There are two things that people should know about me:
One: I am the product of my parents. Their tempers are my tempers. What does that mean for you? I've learned my dad's explosive temper and my mom's passive aggressive, stubborn, quiet thunder anger technique. With both of them combined - it's not pleasant.
Two: Because of this, I have a low bullshit tolerance policy concerning the people in my life - if something is bothering me, it will be made obvious through my word choice, body language, and attitude. If something continues to bother me, I will say something about it. Most likely in a way that's not healthy or correct.
To avoid exploding my rage to the party intended, I have decided to blog. I need these emotions out of me and floating in hyperspace on the internet.
I will be the first to say it's not because you watched XYZ. In fact, that's not the big deal at the moment. While it did bother me at first, this has now escalated to a problem of mammoth proportions, as do most of the problems I have in RL.
My problem lies in the fact that this is not the first time listening has been a problem.
I'm a big promoter for promises. I love them - I love making them. I love keeping them. I love people that love promises. Most of all, I love people who keep promises, which is obvious.
Everyone expects promises to be kept, but not so often are people willing to keep the promises they themselves make.
To me, friendships are like little relationships. Enter, Captain Obvious Jess, but bear with me for a little bit.
When you enter a romantic relationship, it's all about give/take, forgiveness, fidelity, honesty, communication, etc. Another component to ANY relationship is listening. If you feel like you're not being heard, you'll just stop talking. It's human nature. Why waste your time and everyone else's time if you feel like what you have to say isn't important?
This is the point that I feel like I'm at right now. This tiny teetering point where I'm slipping into insanity and rage.
What's the point of making plans if the plans are just going to be easily forgotten? What's the point of relationships when you feel like you give more than you get? It's an incredibly selfish/childish way of looking at relationships, but we're only human. If we're going to hurt, we want the pain to be worth it. We want to know that the outcome is worth the journey.
Because I'm talking about friendship, the tolerance level is much lower. While friendships are really near and dear to me, there are, ultimately, extraneous amounts of humans in the world I can befriend.
However, because I take my friendships seriously, I'm also not one to give up easily on them. It's both a blessing and a curse, because I get my hopes up and dashed because not everyone has the same feelings as I do.
I love my friends dearly - I put them on the same level of family. There's literally nothing I wouldn't do for my friends. So, I'm sorry I get hurt/upset when you forget something I've said in regards to future plans. I put stock in words. I put stock in actions. I put stock in promises. I put stock in promises that aren't even explicitly stated, because I know how badly it hurts to be let down by someone you thought cared.
Maybe I have a different perspective, because of my life experiences. I literally cannot create any sort of rationale to make this okay.
While I haven't had to be the one to really nip anything in the bud, these points have been brought up to you before in some way, shape, or form. This isn't the first time that listening has been a problem. I can't even speak rationally about all of the feelings I have right now.
This is me making a mountain out of a mole hill, but in reality, I almost feel like I have to in order for any positive change to occur. I'm not going to keep setting myself up to be disappointed by the people that are closest to me. I can't do that anymore. I refuse. I took the "out of jail free" cards out of my deck and threw them into the air at the beginning of 2011.
Friendship isn't this difficult. It's really just treating people the way you want to be treated. It's first grade, so why is it that complicated?
The only rationales I can come up with is that the friendship doesn't mean as much to you like it does to me - that's such a horrible thing to accuse someone of, but that's where I'm at mentally right now.
And why should you take this friendship that seriously when you so easily have all these other people on the internet that are as special or even more so? I never said this would be a rational blog post.
I don't even know what to say at this point. I have laid ALL of my cards on the table about me, my life, and my ways of thinking, and I just feel like you're going out of your way to piss on everything I hold sacred & this has probably all been culminating since the Fruits Basket incidence, hence the allusion earlier that I knew you wouldn't understand.
I don't have an overabundance of friends. I don't have this group of people on the internet cheering me on for existing. If I don't hang out with you guys on Saturday, do you know what I do? Nothing. I live for Saturdays, because I get my best friend time and I can actually do the activities that make me happy.
I have honestly beat the dead horse on me, my past, and friendships, but it either doesn't sink in with you or it just doesn't matter. I'm not sure which option I prefer really, because in either instance I just want to punch you.
I'm taking all of this very personally, because I don't know how else to take it.
The way I see it: we discussed something, we eagerly said we'd do this activity together, then you just BYPASSED the promise, did the activity, and then told me about it eagerly like it was okay.
I don't make plans or say things because I like the sound of my voice or because I enjoy lying. I actually want to do all the things I've said and sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'll have panic attacks, because I feel like we'll never accomplish all the friend activities we have planned. It's crazy, I'll admit, but that's how much stock I put into this. And you KNOW that I'm not exaggerating, because I've even texted you when I had a mental breakdown and you told me I was worried for nothing.
When I feel like I'm being made a fool for getting excited about something, I get upset. When I feel like my friendship is being taken for granted, I get mad. When I feel like my words go in one ear and out the other, I get irate.
I know that if this EVER comes up in normal conversation, I'll have to hold myself back, because I care. way. too. much. I hate that the feeling isn't mutual. I hate feeling like that's the case.
I can't decide if you're oblivious, a genuine idiot, insensitive, or an asshole for assuming I'd just be okay with this.
Either way, it's little things like this that are really aggravating me and this has just been a brewing maelstrom.
Something's gotta give and it's not going to be me.
