You know how there's a little voice in your head that tells your heart to shut the fuck up?

I AM SO GLAD I HAVE ONE AND THAT I LISTENED.

Otherwise, I would have made a fool of myself on Friday night.

Minor Reflection

I think the reason why I feel so much regret towards the break up (if you want to call it regret.. it's just a massive pile of complicated feelings), I'd say it's because it was for a silly reason.

Yes, I had major reason to break up with you before we made it to 2.4 years. If I was going to break up with you, I should have all those times when we were hanging over the precipice.

Breaking up with you when I was feeling stressed, flustered, and irritable isn't how I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be a mutual expense.. or in the very least, over something that was completely inconceivable to forgive.

Yes, it was a spur of the moment decision, one that I made when my mind wasn't all there. Yes, I did regret it the next morning and each morning after that. Yes, my heart kind of flutters when I think I see your car (by the way, way to pick the most fucking common car in Fort Myers). Yes, I look back and wonder "what if", but it happened.

It happened and I've moved on. Not necessarily to someone, like you have, but I've moved on.

I've accepted that I can be happy with more than just one person in my life. I've accepted that I have the right to be happy. I've accepted that I will get stressed out and that dating right now isn't in my tentative plan. I've accepted that if I find someone months, years, days down the road, I will have been a better person for finally making a decision for myself without taking into consideration others.

I know I hurt you and I'm sorry for that, but it is what it is. You have a girlfriend now, who although roller skating around in what appears to be a speedo, seems like a nice person. Maybe that was the kind of person you needed, someone carefree and could act her age. I couldn't do that - at least, not to the fullest, like she probably can.

It doesn't even bother me that instead of plucking up like a man all those times I asked to hang out and telling me that you moved on, you decided to play pretend or think for one second that you could make me feel inferior.

I just dislike the circumstances, the fact I lost that friendship, the fact I don't want to get it back because that means becoming vulnerable again just to find out I wasn't that important. It's just really sad when two people who were the best of friends, who grew in the relationship by getting to know one another, falls apart like that.

So that's what I wanted to tell you.. that I'm sorry my irrational decision hurt you, but on the bright side, if I didn't do that, you might not have met this girl and I could have held you back from pursuing her when maybe all along that's what you were supposed to do.

You were a part of my life's journey and I've accepted that, the grain of salt that it is, and if I can get through that first month of depression and find myself not only gaining my losses in best friends but actually going above the count I thought I'd ever have.. maybe, just maybe, I can get completely over you too and be able to open myself up to someone new in the future.

And I'll probably be able to make it through the Nursing program as an added bonus.

To put a positive twist on my previous negative, even if it's completely selfish, immature, and silly:

Last semester, you know, the semester I wasn't devoting to you or us, I got all A's. I'm ignoring that Shakespeare class, because that was due to the teacher not liking me very much. My point? I'll do better in school, because I won't have any distractions. I'll finally get back to my roots and I'll be on my way to be happy.

I don't need to be dating someone to be happy. If anything, I've learned that while I'm dating someone, I can only be happy on some levels. I can't be happy by myself. I can't be happy with other people. I can only feel content with that someone by my side. Not having to depend on one solitary person to be my friend and my boyfriend? It's relieving and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I'm not suffocating nor do I feel unnecessarily like I'm super inferior.

I used to feel that way, like I'd never match up with what you wanted. I realize now that that's silly. I didn't match up with what you wanted, but I shouldn't ever feel bad for not doing so. I'm me. I can't be anybody else. It's time I accepted that for what it really means and this is exactly what I need emotionally and mentally.

Let's face it, I'll need all the determination and focus in my tall body to go towards Nursing and all that it demands.

So, on a positive note, congratulations on your new girlfriend. I ain't even mad. I was, in fact, I was downright perturbed, but now? I'm lounging around, spending time with people I love, and I couldn't possibly be happier.

2011 has been such a great year for me so far and that trend won't be ending anytime soon.

IDGAF

I WANT TO GO ON A TIRADE AND KILL THINGS.

I have chills. I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm embarrassed. I feel like this is unfair. My heart hurts and I feel stupid as hell.

All I can say is that I hope you guys are happy. Clearly that horrible dream I had was a premonition, because look at this, you got yourself a girlfriend.

I know it's wrong to be this upset, but I'm sorry I can't easily write off all the bullshit I went through. I know you put up with your fair share too, but what upsets me is that I bet you won't tell this new girl ONE SINGLE THING about the bad that you did.

If she does know about everything, more power to her, because she can do something I can't, which is get over it/move on. I wish I could have been a 3rd party to that bullshit. I guess I'm more upset with myself, because I hate that I even let any of that happen.

I can't even begin to formulate my thoughts coherently.

This explains so much and I can't say that I'm completely surprised, but I still am for the sole fact that I feel like I'm still not emotionally ready to even begin trusting another guy, let alone dating one. I can't get over it. I physically can't. I don't understand ANYTHING in this world if someone like you who has hurt me this badly, someone like you who didn't give a shit about how I felt until after you would make me cry, deserves any kind of happiness let alone one that you would find with someone else.

And fuck me for thinking that way, because you can't be miserable for the rest of your life.

Fuck me for thinking that I don't deserve to feel upset when I think that I have a right to be.

Fuck me for not knowing how I'm supposed to react, because I'm too concerned with remaining indifferent/stoic/uncaring, because that's fucking mature.

Just fuck this moment. Because THIS sucks. I just can't even right now. GOD.

So it's my birthday...

and I wanted to take this opportunity to just say something without worrying about who's reading it or whether or not I make sense.

Is it expecting a lot to get a simple acknowledgement of my birth? I guess it is.

THIS is why I don't look forward to things & why I HATE getting ideas in my head about how life will pan out. It never goes that way and I get so disappointed. I hate it.

A simple "happy birthday" from you and my birthday would have been officially perfect. Yeah, it's mega selfish to even think I'd get that, but it's not like I'm asking you to have my babies or something. A two word text. I wasn't worth that. How else am I supposed to take that? Yeah, you had a lot of pressure on you, because you had to make that judgement call before your birthday came up, but you know what, I probably would have said it anyway. It doesn't even matter anymore - it's whatever. Dare I say, it's fine.

I have no reason to care, no reason to have expected you to say something, no reason to even remotely think that it would happen. It's my fault. You live and learn.

Right when I think I'm over it, though, I realize I'm not and it's so damn frustrating, because I know I'm in no position to feel like you should say anything and also because this is all my fault to begin with anyway. I'm really conflicted emotionally, because I know this whole thing is for the better, but it still sucks anyway.

Yes, I've gotten much better and I have a whole new support system, but there are still some things I just keep to myself that I used to be able to share. That's hard. I hate that my thoughts today went back to how last year we celebrated my birthday together with my family. I hate how much things have changed and how quickly it seemed to have happened, how I feel like I'm the only one that's hung up on old shit. It's rage-worthy. It's down right depressing how disappointed I am.

It's sad when a measly hope doesn't even come true. What's even more sad is how much that stupid thing meant to you when you realize it's stupid. It makes me feel like an idiot.

I could make all these excuses for you, but I won't. It's a matter of pride or a matter of insecurity that made it so you didn't say jack-shit to me today. You keep that up, because that was totally a winning game plan. I'll lead by example, because I'm tired of being the only one that seems to care or seems to still have old feelings. I'm tired of being the one that buckles under the emotional pressure and the one that ends up looking ridiculously immature.

I'm not doing that anymore. We had something good, yet horribly bad going on and maybe it's for the better that I just ended it before we could have gone furthur down the road and ended up miserably. Maybe we would have ended up happy as fuck. I guess I'll never know. I'm not even going to dwell on the what ifs, because look where that got me: a depressed/sub-par Jessica on her 20th birthday.

I'm not quite sure how you fucking manage to do it, but without even being physically present, you hurt me.

You deserve all the awards, because you're THAT good at what you do so naturally.

I didn't even mean for this to go so off track. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry for speaking my mind. At least, I am managing to tell you how I feel, even if there's zero chance you'll ever read this. That's more than the lukewarm bullshit I feel like you're dishing out. At least each time I saw you after the break up, I've been nothing but attentive to you. I wish I could say that I received the same treatment, but especially that last time I saw you, that time that I swore thereafter I wouldn't ask to see you again, and when I would talk to you, you looked so apathetic and like you couldn't care less.

What a horrible note to end on.

It's just an irritating aspect of life. It's so irritating. It's like someone walking slow in the hallway in front of you and you're running late, but they won't move their body and you can't pass them.

I guess I should give you kudos for moving me even when you're miles away from me.

I wish you knew how upset I get just thinking about this. I bet you just did whatever you did today, knowing in the back of your mind what the day was, and worried about what I would think or didn't wanna seem weak/vulnerable... I think that's what pisses me off and upsets me more than anything else. It's not like I didn't put my pride aside to ask to see you twice since December.

I'm just going to stop while I'm ahead. This is getting me no where & I'm not gaining anything from this, because my thoughts are so discombobulated.

Someone like You

So today, I woke up at 7:55.. not because I wanted to, but because my dream made it so I physically could not sleep any longer.

For whatever reason, I was in Cape Coral, driving around & minding my own business, when I saw you in a car that probably doesn't even exist because it had the space of a mini van, but it was the size of a normal car, and you were talking to a girl. Then you told the driver to reverse, even though we were in the middle of an intersection. You got out of the car and started yelling at me and asking what I was doing there and how I could do that to the girl you were talking to. Obviously, I was fucking confused, because true I stared, but I didn't do anything remotely insulting or attention-grabbing.

So I drove around and parked somewhere and you had followed me by foot there to continue yelling at me, because for some reason that made sense. When I got out of the car, you legit sprinted after me, chasing me through people's backyards and swimming pools. You yelled at me saying that you finally forgot about me and that you weren't talking about me constantly anymore. It led to an awkward conversation where I asked if the girl in the car was a potential and if that was why you were mad. You said that you didn't know, but that she could be, so I congratulated you and told you that I was happy for you. I apologized for driving around in the Cape and you apologized for flipping a disk, then we just talked and time flew by and then we separated how we always do.

Then I woke up. It just felt like something that could have happened, minus the running through other people's property. It doesn't help that some of the conversations have actually occurred, like with the "potentials". I can't even think of the word in that sort of context without thinking of you.

There's this thing that says if you dream about someone, that means that they miss you or that they're thinking of you. If that's the case, why can't you be the one to cave and ask to hang out with me? Why does it feel like I'm the only one dwelling on the past and you're doing your own thing?

It's aggravating. I make so much progress forward, or at least that's the impression I get, but then something as silly as a dream can push me back. It's just disheartening. I wish I knew how to look at everything that we were without feeling the emotions behind it, like reading a story about someone that I've never met before. I'll never know how they felt during that situation, but I know the facts. I want to be able to detach myself from the pain that I felt over all that time, but I want to hold onto the experience so I know better next time.

That's a lot to ask for, but it's been 8 months. This shit is getting ridiculous. I shouldn't even be feeling like this because I was the one to end the relationship - it's supposed to be so much easier for me to move on, but for some reason, it's not and I don't know why.