Over and over I keep going over the world we knew
Once when you walked beside me
That inconceivable, that unbelievable world we knew
When we two were in love

And every bright neon sign turned into stars
And the sun and the moon seemed to be ours
Each road that we took turned into gold
But the dream was too much for you to hold

Now over and over I keep going over the world we knew
Days when you used to love me

And every bright neon sign turned into stars
And the sun and the moon seemed to be ours
Each road that we took, it turned into gold
But the dream was too much for you to hold

Now over and over I keep going over the world we knew
Days when you used to love me

Over and over I keep going over the world we knew

I don't miss you; I miss the thought of you.

I miss the knowledge of security, knowing that I always had someone who cared enough to listen to my problems when I had them, knowing that you were only ever a few minutes away if I was ever in trouble, whether it was a mental problem or a physical one.

I miss the positives, like cuddling and kisses. Maybe I am a selfish person, but you know what? I wish we did these simple things more often. It's only now, looking back, that I realized we didn't do this nearly enough. Maybe that's where everything took a turn for the worse and we started fighting more often, my stress started getting to me, and we began to fall apart. I remember walking around with you and not having a desire to hold your hand at all times when I used to thrive on that, when we'd have to stop just because our hands would get all clammy and sweaty.

We stopped cuddling when we watched movies and I remember how upset you were about that. I never understood. I didn't see the big deal, but now that I'm reading more manga, granted it's not all appropriate or something society would look favorably on, so maybe I shouldn't base real life relationships on it, but because I'm reading, I can see for myself what relationships are really about. It's not about accomplishing a million things in one day, like I always seemed to make it. It's not about catching the before noon movie, just so we could save a few dollars on ticket price. It's not about being right or doing the things that I'm comfortable with. It's about being satisfied with the menial day-to-day, how just laying on the couch together cuddling takes the worries away.

I wish I knew that. More than that, I wish you had been the one to break it off. I feel like I'm the only one in the wrong and I would love to be able to pinpoint some blame on you.

I mean, I can, but then I have to take into account how I may have blown up the situation. For instance, you did lie, whether or not you feel the lie is worth it or not, but it held a lot of weight. Not necessarily what you said but how long it took you to say what I always knew.. You told me for 2.5 years that I had no idea what I was talking about, that I was insecure for even thinking what I did. I don't think you could possibly know how broken I was because of it when you finally admitted to it. I don't think you even knew that it was so bad that I sat on the couch, even when my dad was home, just crying, because I couldn't handle it. My dad sat there, not knowing what to do or what to say to calm me down. I had to solve it for myself and he knew that was something he could not help me with, no matter how badly I may have needed it.

Other than that lie & the bullshit that comprised our beginnings, you did nothing wrong. Maybe I just need to accept that you're not the bad guy, that you weren't the bad guy for at least our last 1.5 years.

I always wanted to put the blame on you, because I didn't know how to correct myself. I still don't think I do. I'm trying to build myself up again by making mistakes and learning from them. I hope that I can be happy with the answers I find and that I'll find someone I'll want to cuddle with and kiss and hold hands with, someone who complements me rather than completes me.

I think a part of me will always love you, even though after seeing you, I can see the gap in maturity between the two of us. We're in different stages of our lives now - it's not high school where things seemed so easy, which is ironic, because us in high school was the "us" at our worst. I told you countless of times that I hated my senior year. I will always prefer junior year, because I was the happiest then; I had you, my friends, my family, my hobbies.

Having you as a boyfriend definitely changed my life, because I got to learn what was so great about relationships. I could only look at my friends and wonder why they got so hung up on their shitty exes and now I know why. Even if the ex was a complete douchebag, there was always some silver lining that brightened everything. For me, it was around this time.. when we kissed, that whole night was my guiding light that shone even when the abuse started, even when it got so bad we were sent to Stejskal's office because people driving through Verot saw us, even when my parents disapproved... all of it was worth it, because I couldn't forget how you made me feel that night, like I was weightless and all that was holding me to the earth was you and how warm your grasp was, how time slowed down and every second felt like an eternity yet the night went by so fast, how we'd only stop to breathe, how it didn't matter that it was only our 3rd time hanging out with each other.

I will ALWAYS look back on that memory so fondly. You knew that I thought highly of that day, but I don't think you knew all of this. I wish I told you. I wish you could see. I wish our relationship could have withstood all of this, but looking at where I am now and where I have to go, I would have hated to drag you with me, especially when I know how much turmoil you're in about your own problems. I'm glad you found your solution through music. I wish I could hear you play without worrying over my severed heartstrings.

I need to trust.
I need to feel.
I need to be open.
I'm working on this; I get hurt every single day, whether it's through being ignored or through feeling like the bad guy for pointing out the blunt truth. I wonder if I'm doing this right, if I'm molding myself to be a healthy human being or if I'm just becoming what I think I should be. I don't know who to ask or who can help me, but I hope that I might find someone who sees my insecurities and flaws and finds them irresistibly beautiful, even if I could use a little work. Someone who inspires me to better myself, not because I feel that I HAVE to otherwise I'll lose you, but because I posses the willpower to strive to always want to be a better me. Someone who not only inspires me, but who I also inspire. Someone who sees reality and envisions it in a new light.

I don't think that's asking for too much, but then again, I've been wrong before.

116

Talking with you will always confuse me because you make my heart soar for seemingly no reason. Just talking about the future with you, even if the odds of it happening are one in a billion, makes me feel like everything is worth it, that you're never gonna forget me and that our friendship will always stand the test of time and distance.

I'm worried distance will separate us eventually, but knowing that right now, you envision a future with me in it, however improbable that future may be, calms my fears and makes me realize how silly I am.

I think you may be the truest friend I have ever had. Even if there's negativity in our lives, when we're together, we're like an unstoppable force of happiness. You can cheer me up so easily, because you have such a bright smile. The thought of you ever being hurt or ever being upset bothers me so much that I would set aside my own feelings to comfort you, even if that meant driving 40 miles to see you for only a few hours. I would drive any distance to know that you're okay and I think you might know this. I hope you know that.

If anyone would be the peanut butter to my jelly, it's you. Sometimes I worry that your girlfriend hates me, because of how our friendship is and I hope you're strong enough to fight to keep this friendship should she ever make you choose.

I always regret how I couldn't fight for you when you needed me to. I am constantly thankful that you're so forgiving that you would not only accept my friendship, but would welcome me with open arms when I was so cold to you. You inspire me. Being around you is like looking at the sun - I know if I look too long that I'll lose my vision, but you're so bright and I can't help myself. I know the risks, but I stay by you anyway. I know that I can't expect anything more than friendship and that these flirtations are just friendship. At the risk of my heart thinking they are more, I can't help but want to spend time with you, because you bring out the best in me, the me that is optimistic and a free-spirit in times of trouble.

When I lose my way, you always save me somehow with such grace and ease that you make it seem as simple as breathing. I wish I could talk to you more openly about what bothers me, but I cherish what time I get with you. I never want to taint a moment with my insipid curiosity or my weak nature - that's not the Jessica that you know. Maybe that means we aren't as close of friends as I'd like to think we are, but I can hope, can't I? I can think that we're such good friends that we don't have to discuss serious topics like love and disappointment and that we just pour our energies into being happy and enjoying ourselves, right?

I sincerely hope I can keep you in my life forever. I can't stress enough how your friendship has affected me, how you've changed me. I'll always be fighting for your happiness even at my expense, because you've given me so much more than I could ever repay you.

I remember telling you yesterday that I bought Blink 182's Greatest Hits and that I just sat in my car and listened to it, instantly regretting that I bought it after I was done.

What I failed to mention was that I bought it because I missed you and once it ended, I felt so stupid for thinking that buying it would fill the gap and that I can't keep doing this to myself.

I don't think you know how much I miss you and how badly it hurts me.

A majority of the things I end up telling you about, I'm trying to see how you feel and I know that's wrong. The blank expression you have though opens the wounds all over again and I end up feeling stupid, but I do this to myself. I intentionally try to get a rise out of you, so when I get no response, I feel like I'm only hurting myself.

I wish things could be different.

1819

I saw you today. I never know how to feel after I see you - should I be happy for you or should I just be happy that I'm doing alright in comparison to you?

I can't read you. I'll tell you all of these things about what I've been up to and you'll have a poker face. Am I the only one that gets even the slightest bit hurt when I realize, in comparison, I haven't done anything? That all of my happiness seems so trivial and meaningless when you factor how much better you seem to be doing - how else am I supposed to feel?

I like seeing you, but I feel like I have to show that I'm not, that I have to be this hell-spitting demon just to stick to my decision. I feel like every time I see you, I make it that much more difficult on the two of us. I don't know if you even really enjoy seeing me when you say you do. I don't even think you know that when I say, "I agree," to that statement, I actually mean it.

Yes, I told you that I deeply regret texting you that ill-fated sleepless night and that I hoped my phone destroyed the text message or that I dreamed it, but I don't know how to feel.

I wish I could see you just to talk to you seriously. Enough of the idle bantering conversations. Sure, I'm glad you're going to all of these concerts and finally playing your instrument again. I'm not even sure why you stopped, because I always told you that I liked you best when you were passionate about that, but that's a whole other set of worms.

Is it too much to ask that for once when I see you, I can finally apologize for everything? That all of this can finally be put to rest after 6 months of repairing just to have that crash down on two different occasions?

I'm tired of creating all of these scenarios in my mind where we finally forgive and forget, just to have days like today where it's ethereal. I checked out of the conversation and just looked at you. I had no idea what you were saying and it wasn't even because I was bored. I just couldn't believe that after 3 months of not seeing each other, we're still doing the same bullshit routine.

I look at you and wonder what I was thinking. I look at you and wonder why I couldn't handle my stress better. I look at you and wonder what life events we would have missed out on if I could have just been more forgiving. I look at you and thank God that I got out while I could. I look at you and wonder if there's ever another chance. I look at you and wonder if you even give a shit now. I look at you and think of how much you have impacted me as a person and wonder if I can ever really walk away. I look at you and wonder how much longer we're going to play the "catch-up" game. I look at you and wonder if letting you go will be my biggest regret.

I am happy now, but some days are more difficult than others. I miss you a lot sometimes. I don't have the luxury of driving aimlessly like you do - I feel like I have nowhere to go. I feel like if I went anywhere, I wouldn't be accepted.

I hate that seeing you makes me feel that way, like I have no self-worth. Maybe that's a component of what destroyed everything - I always felt like we were competing, like who had the better group of friends or who had more meaningful friendships. I felt empty unless I was with you and I know that's not healthy, but now I feel empty regardless, like a jigsaw puzzle that's missing the final piece.

In Kung Fu Panda 2, Po said, "You got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." I wish it were that simple. I wish it was something I could suppress or repress in my memories and that they would fade.

I wish I could properly thank you for everything, making me who I am, even if I wish I was who I used to be. Because of you, so many good things have happened to me, but I can't ever tell you thank you. I feel like if I did, I would be admitting that you were just a shooting comet across my night sky.

I sometimes think I over-glorify us. In fact, I know I did. For every low we had, we would have an insurmountable high point that somehow rationalized all of the crap for me. I'm not strong. I tend to romanticize the most trivial things. I over-analyze situations. I wish I didn't, but I do. It's who I am.

I feel selfish asking to see you when I have no right to even ask. You're so busy that I feel guilty for asking for that opportunity when I'll just walk away wondering what the fuck I was thinking or what I was trying to do. I'm sure you feel the same. I'm sure you wonder, especially today, why I even asked, why I can't be strong without having to drag you down with me.

I wish I could ask you what I really want to know, rather than what classes you're taking. I wish I could speak to you without worrying over whether or not I sound as stupid as I think I do. I wish things could be the way they were when conversation came easy and serious topics just flowed. It's not like I want to be a central part in your life, especially if you don't want me to be, but I'd like to be able to express to you all of these mixed up feelings I have.

I worry they would burden you. That knowing my conflicted emotions would just ruin what you've got going on. I worry we could make the same mistakes again. I think of all of those people in your life right now, the ones who helped rebuild you, and how devastated they would be if I hurt you again. What if today hurt you? What if they have to start back at square one? I think of how hurt my close friends and family would be if they knew I felt this way. I put up this blase wall because I don't like thinking about it. I made a blog just to write this shit down and hope that maybe one day, you'll actually want to read it or that maybe I'll finally be done with all of this.

That I'll finally be done holding my breath when I think I see your car, that I'll be able to listen to music without thinking of you, that my heart will stop hurting when I think of everything in the past.

I hate thinking that the only reason why I miss you is because I miss the cutesy things, like hand holding or cuddling.

I wish I knew what you were thinking and how you're feeling. I wish I was close enough to you to be able to ask without feeling like a bitch.

I wish I could formulate a single blog post so that it makes sense and isn't one garbled mess.

I wish I could send this to you.

I hope you're happy. I genuinely mean that.