Just realized there's a 6 year difference between the two if her birthday is actually legitimate.

That'd be like me dating my brother or one of his friends.

Why does a 26 year old female want to date a 20 year old male?

Well no wonder they can go to Mexico for a week.. she probably has a job.. or some semblance of a career. I guess she's the proverbial sugar momma.

Remember that one time I went on vacation to celebrate my brother and I's graduation and you made me feel like shit every day, because I "chose my family over you"? Remember how you'd get upset if I didn't text you? Remember how I accidentally fell asleep while texting you and you got upset, because "sleep was more important"? Remember how I'd leave for school at 5 in the morning when school didn't start until 7:30, because I wanted to see you? Remember how if I wasn't early to meet you, you'd twist it and make it seem like I didn't want to see you that badly? Remember how you got mad that I stopped on my way home to get a drink? Remember how explosive your temper was, but I still kept hugging you and stayed near you, because I didn't want you to leave me, even though I knew you'd hit me? Remember how you made me choose between you or my parents and how I just stopped talking to them? Remember how insecure I was, because I had no one except for you? Remember how you used to get mad when I went out of town with my family to visit my brother? Remember how you'd say exactly what would hurt me so that I was bawling around my family? Remember how you made me cry on Christmas morning, because I wanted to open presents with my family around when you wanted me to just blow them off because they were the "enemy"? Remember how my dad grabbed me when I didn't want to take off your jacket? Remember that one time I was sitting in the senior courtyard when I was already done with classes and I saw you walk by, so I waved at you when you were looking at me and you didn't do anything, because you were with your friends? Remember when you threw me down in the rock lot and we got sent to Stejskal's and Dean Burrough's office and I had to lie just so you wouldn't get in trouble? Remember how you told me to "fuck off" when I told you the truth about something that I didn't even have to tell you about? Remember when just getting FB comments from any guy used to send you over the edge, even if it was just Austin? Remember all those times you hurt me and didn't stop hurting me until I was crying? Remember how you'd always apologize and say you wouldn't ever do that again? Remember how you always would? Remember how I had to sit by myself at church and at lunch, while you got to sit with whoever you wanted? Remember how if you didn't get to see me in between classes, you'd get upset? Remember when I showed you a poem I wrote in a book character's perspective and you crumpled it up and got upset, because you thought it was about you? Remember how you didn't even let me explain that poem, because you just stormed away? Remember how you made me apologize for things you did, because you'd convince me that it was my fault that you lashed out at me? Remember how I did whatever you said, because you made me feel good about myself? Remember how you'd get upset if I spent time in the living room with my roommates my sophomore year of college instead of texting you? Remember how you told me it was okay to make friends, but I never did, because I felt like I had to walk on eggshells with you? Remember how I stopped watching anime with my dad even though that was something I enjoyed doing? Remember how you told me that it was weird that I spent so much time with my parents and that I should want to spend as little time with them as possible? Remember how we fought at my prom and that I cried at yours? Remember how you told me that you'd hurt yourself if I ever broke up with you and that you wouldn't know what to do with yourself?

Remember how you did all of that and had the audacity to tell me that you love me?

I do.

And that's not even mentioning the worst you've done, which I hope you never forget and I hope you NEVER repeat it.

I feel like any shred of character development I obtain, I lose within a few days or weeks. I'm about as bipolar as the characters on Glee.. which is saying a lot.

Currently contemplating becoming more of a recluse when, in reality, I only want the opposite of that.

I'm just going to post my thoughts in bullet points, because my brain isn't even processing information correctly.

• Facebook pisses me off. I've made it so I can only be on it for 30 minutes out of the day. Thank you, Get Focused app.
• Trip to Mexico, you say? Seven days? Where'd the money for THAT come from? This is the bulk of my rage. Glad you guys are enjoying your honeymoon phase by going on a week long date with just each other. I hate everything.
• The entire week except for Saturdays is complete and utter BS.
• I wish I had a training facility like Goku had where he could train by increasing the gravity within the pod. Actually, I just wish I had a separate area where I could just rant/punch shit/make a fool of myself.
• I hate being cool as a cucumber and then becoming volatile Valerie.
• I hate not knowing whether it's jealousy of person, place, or both. I hate not knowing if it's because I'm just naturally hateful or if I'm still hurting. I hate not having anyone to blame but myself, because it gets old incredibly fast.
• I hate making posts like this, but I feel like if I don't, then I'll go crazy.
• My first comment, besides, "looking for a fuck to give" after seeing bullet #2, was "well, I'm dating multiple characters, so I don't even cur." This leads me to think there's something wrong with me, but I hardly care at this point.
• I feel like I'm the only one looking back on memories fondly, but then again, I wouldn't know, since it had been made painfully obvious and clear that I was a nuisance.
• I wish I could have slapped some sense into myself a long time ago. I don't think I'll ever stop wishing that, because I wish I had treated myself like I had a shred of dignity.
• If ever I regretted something, it'd be that I had little to no self-respect for myself back in the day & that kills me.
• I feel like a giant hypocrite, but what really gets me, is that tomorrow, I'll be perfectly fine. I'm not sure if I'm actually okay or if I just push it aside until it appears in my periphs again.
• I feel like I can't do anything right and that I'm using school as a means of feeling like I have some worth. I just want to sleep and read manga online and enjoy myself. Is this too much to ask? In a world where people hate their jobs, their lives, and also each other, I guess it is.
• I'm tired of hiding in my dorm because I don't want to see Allie when she tries to socially terrorize me by showing up unannounced. I really wish she would just stop. There's only so many times that you call someone only to have them not answer when you realize, "Hm. Maybe they're avoiding me..."

I'm determined to make this year a good one and up until now it has been, sans a few days where I felt like a depressed sack of water.

tl;dr I NEED CHRISTMAS BREAK LIKE I NEED AIR. GET ME OUT OF THIS DORM AND AWAY FROM MY THOUGHTS!

bear with me, because I'm about to sound really dorky

so I just got up from the computer and the way my room is set up, my giant window is overlooking the parking lot and is facing west. My windows, for some unknown reason, are missing panels, so I can look out to the parking lot even though my blinds are drawn. Sometimes I worry about people looking in when I decide to roam around in my bra and underwear, but then I realize I don't give a shit.

BUT when I got up this time, I looked out and saw an amazing looking sunset, the kind where pictures don't do them justice; you have to experience them. That, and my camera phone is shitty and rarely takes good pictures. Trust me, I know. Some days I look awesome, but my camera phone makes me look like crap. It's weird.

When I saw the sunset, it made me really wish I had someone to share it with.

It's not the first time I thought that either. I feel like I'd be able to handle all this stress easier if I had someone to balance my crazy. I go to bed and wish I had someone to cuddle up with, especially since my dorm is -40 degrees, so I'm always freezing. Sometimes, I just want a hug or just someone's constant presence in my life. Also having a guy around for the more physical aspects of relationships would be nice too :P

But I miss the simple things of relationships - the hand holding, the dorky conversations, the cuddling, the nicknames, the comfort, the safety, the knowledge that someone thought my existence was a necessity.

I'm perfectly fine with being alone; usually it's something I'm thankful for, because sometimes the stress is too much and I'm glad I'm not burdening anyone, but then there's moments like just now that creeps up and makes me wish I would just settle... that maybe if I had any guy fill the role of what I want, I'd be happier, which is silly.

I blame shoujo manga for making me want all these little things. I love it, but at the same time it's like I'm the forever alone guy who can't decide if being alone is a good or bad thing.

I don't mind sleeping alone, but it's discomforting to think I won't meet a guy until I'm done with school, and even then, there's no guarantee he'd be my "guy". Yes, sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I freak out over the fact I might go through life without experiencing love again. This sends me spiraling into anxiety, because when I was younger, I had a mid-life crisis when I realized I couldn't pass on the Cespedes name when I got married, and now I might not even get the opportunity to marry. I'm only 20 and I'm feeling like this!!!! LOOK AT MY LIFE! I make zero sense!

I'm silly and have standards for guys that range from height and personality to the silliest of categories, such as if he likes mint chocolate chip ice cream. I have asked this question to any potential guys and it's honestly a deciding factor for me. Ever since I was little, I always said that my guy will love mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as I do. When I say "when I was little", I mean since I was 10, which is a long ass time.

I guess I should be happy that any guy would want to be with me, but I wanna be able to come home to a guy who understands my crazy, appreciates it, and finds it endearing. I don't want to put up walls or diminish how much I love certain things in fear that he'll judge me for it.

I know I'll wait until I meet that guy, but it's a long wait and at this point, it seems like a fanciful dream that I'm telling myself, so that when I become a cat lady, I'll still have hope for myself.

But who knows, maybe I'll find my cuddle monster somewhere and we can watch anime and eat mint chocolate chip ice cream together and do whatever activity makes him happiest, because I'm all about being fair :D

aaaaaaaaand the award for worst person goes to me.

it's a culmination of things really.

I guess I'm just a flawed human being, as much as I try to put on airs that I'm perfect and as hard as I try to be.

I'm just a spoiled little kid who happens to be 20 that hasn't learned how to deal with her emotions properly because I'm never allowed to express them.. or that's how I think anyway. The moment I do express them, I do so in all the wrong ways and make the moment worse, because I lash out, then I feel embarrassed for acting that way. By the time I can rationally react, the moment has already passed and I can't talk about what's bothering me, because now it's not conducive to bring up anymore.

Sometimes, I just really hate how warped my personality is, because I'm hot-tempered, stubborn, irrational, and sensitive. It's the WORST combination to have if you want any semblance of a relationship/friendship/acquaintanceship/anything ship. I'm sure there's probably something mentally wrong with me, because I have absolutely no reason to feel the way I do. I feel "meh" like I don't care about anything, except for when I have free time. I feel lonely, like a burden, like a waste of space. I don't even know why either. Well, I know what triggered it, which as always was a culmination of little things that added up into something that I could apparently justify as "a big deal." I just don't know.

Glee isn't even on tomorrow to get me out of this funk & I have to study, because my lazy ass hasn't and this is supposed to be the hardest test for this class and I barely passed the first one.

IHML KMN OTL

I've noticed that when I'm procrastinating, I tend to dwell on things that are better left alone, such as how four years ago, I saw you for the first time and became smitten.

These sorts of thoughts randomly come and go when I'm stressed, diseased, lazy, and of course, when I'm sad.

And then sometimes I'll say something you'd used to say - thankfully I've forgotten what you sound like, but I still can imagine you saying it with a nice voice-over from me.

And I deleted some of our pictures & by some, I mean roughly half of what I had.

Even though the year hasn't ended yet and even though I've had some lows in this year, this is my favorite year in a long time. I'm so glad I got to share it with who I did and I have no regrets about this year... except maybe for how lazy I've gotten :P

going to print this out and read it whenever I feel less than myself

Ntozake Shange from "for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf"

one thing i dont need

is any more apologies

i got sorry greetin me at the front door

you can keep yrs

i dont know what to do wit em

they dont open doors

or bring the sun back

they dont make me happy

or get a morning paper

didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars

cuz a sorry

i am simply tired

of collectin

i didnt know

i was so important to you

i'm gonna haveta throw some away

i cant get to the clothes in my closet

for all the sorries

i'm gonna tack a sign to my door

leave a message by the phone

'if you called

to say yr sorry

call somebody

else

i dont use em anymore'

i let sorry/didnt meanta/& how cd i know abt that

take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn

i'm gonna do exactly what i want to

& i wont be sorry for none of it

letta sorry soothe yr soul/i'm gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent

doin something & then bein sorry

beatin my heart to death

talkin bout you sorry

well

i will not call

i'm not goin to be nice

i will raise my voice

& scream & holler

& break things & race the engine

& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face

& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers

& their ways

i will play oliver lake

loud

& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose

i was open on purpose

i still crave vulnerability & close talk

& i'm not even sorry bout you bein sorry

you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna

just dont give it to me

i cant use another sorry

next time

you should admit

you're mean/low-down/triflin/& no count straight out

steada bein sorry all the time

enjoy bein yrself

I don't know what's more depressing: having the hope that maybe you called me and left a voicemail asking to talk about anything OR the fact that when I finally got into my voicemail and listened to the 8 new messages and found out none of them were from you, my heart sank a little.

I might not ever get used to this.

Watching cliche romantic movies is certainly not helping either.

I do this to myself time and time again, but I never seem to learn to quit it.

Even though I know I need to stop, I can't seem to.

I wish I had all the answers.

I wish I knew exactly what to do to make this stop.

But I don't.

I don't think I ever will.

You know how there's a little voice in your head that tells your heart to shut the fuck up?

I AM SO GLAD I HAVE ONE AND THAT I LISTENED.

Otherwise, I would have made a fool of myself on Friday night.

Minor Reflection

I think the reason why I feel so much regret towards the break up (if you want to call it regret.. it's just a massive pile of complicated feelings), I'd say it's because it was for a silly reason.

Yes, I had major reason to break up with you before we made it to 2.4 years. If I was going to break up with you, I should have all those times when we were hanging over the precipice.

Breaking up with you when I was feeling stressed, flustered, and irritable isn't how I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be a mutual expense.. or in the very least, over something that was completely inconceivable to forgive.

Yes, it was a spur of the moment decision, one that I made when my mind wasn't all there. Yes, I did regret it the next morning and each morning after that. Yes, my heart kind of flutters when I think I see your car (by the way, way to pick the most fucking common car in Fort Myers). Yes, I look back and wonder "what if", but it happened.

It happened and I've moved on. Not necessarily to someone, like you have, but I've moved on.

I've accepted that I can be happy with more than just one person in my life. I've accepted that I have the right to be happy. I've accepted that I will get stressed out and that dating right now isn't in my tentative plan. I've accepted that if I find someone months, years, days down the road, I will have been a better person for finally making a decision for myself without taking into consideration others.

I know I hurt you and I'm sorry for that, but it is what it is. You have a girlfriend now, who although roller skating around in what appears to be a speedo, seems like a nice person. Maybe that was the kind of person you needed, someone carefree and could act her age. I couldn't do that - at least, not to the fullest, like she probably can.

It doesn't even bother me that instead of plucking up like a man all those times I asked to hang out and telling me that you moved on, you decided to play pretend or think for one second that you could make me feel inferior.

I just dislike the circumstances, the fact I lost that friendship, the fact I don't want to get it back because that means becoming vulnerable again just to find out I wasn't that important. It's just really sad when two people who were the best of friends, who grew in the relationship by getting to know one another, falls apart like that.

So that's what I wanted to tell you.. that I'm sorry my irrational decision hurt you, but on the bright side, if I didn't do that, you might not have met this girl and I could have held you back from pursuing her when maybe all along that's what you were supposed to do.

You were a part of my life's journey and I've accepted that, the grain of salt that it is, and if I can get through that first month of depression and find myself not only gaining my losses in best friends but actually going above the count I thought I'd ever have.. maybe, just maybe, I can get completely over you too and be able to open myself up to someone new in the future.

And I'll probably be able to make it through the Nursing program as an added bonus.

To put a positive twist on my previous negative, even if it's completely selfish, immature, and silly:

Last semester, you know, the semester I wasn't devoting to you or us, I got all A's. I'm ignoring that Shakespeare class, because that was due to the teacher not liking me very much. My point? I'll do better in school, because I won't have any distractions. I'll finally get back to my roots and I'll be on my way to be happy.

I don't need to be dating someone to be happy. If anything, I've learned that while I'm dating someone, I can only be happy on some levels. I can't be happy by myself. I can't be happy with other people. I can only feel content with that someone by my side. Not having to depend on one solitary person to be my friend and my boyfriend? It's relieving and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I'm not suffocating nor do I feel unnecessarily like I'm super inferior.

I used to feel that way, like I'd never match up with what you wanted. I realize now that that's silly. I didn't match up with what you wanted, but I shouldn't ever feel bad for not doing so. I'm me. I can't be anybody else. It's time I accepted that for what it really means and this is exactly what I need emotionally and mentally.

Let's face it, I'll need all the determination and focus in my tall body to go towards Nursing and all that it demands.

So, on a positive note, congratulations on your new girlfriend. I ain't even mad. I was, in fact, I was downright perturbed, but now? I'm lounging around, spending time with people I love, and I couldn't possibly be happier.

2011 has been such a great year for me so far and that trend won't be ending anytime soon.

IDGAF

I WANT TO GO ON A TIRADE AND KILL THINGS.

I have chills. I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm embarrassed. I feel like this is unfair. My heart hurts and I feel stupid as hell.

All I can say is that I hope you guys are happy. Clearly that horrible dream I had was a premonition, because look at this, you got yourself a girlfriend.

I know it's wrong to be this upset, but I'm sorry I can't easily write off all the bullshit I went through. I know you put up with your fair share too, but what upsets me is that I bet you won't tell this new girl ONE SINGLE THING about the bad that you did.

If she does know about everything, more power to her, because she can do something I can't, which is get over it/move on. I wish I could have been a 3rd party to that bullshit. I guess I'm more upset with myself, because I hate that I even let any of that happen.

I can't even begin to formulate my thoughts coherently.

This explains so much and I can't say that I'm completely surprised, but I still am for the sole fact that I feel like I'm still not emotionally ready to even begin trusting another guy, let alone dating one. I can't get over it. I physically can't. I don't understand ANYTHING in this world if someone like you who has hurt me this badly, someone like you who didn't give a shit about how I felt until after you would make me cry, deserves any kind of happiness let alone one that you would find with someone else.

And fuck me for thinking that way, because you can't be miserable for the rest of your life.

Fuck me for thinking that I don't deserve to feel upset when I think that I have a right to be.

Fuck me for not knowing how I'm supposed to react, because I'm too concerned with remaining indifferent/stoic/uncaring, because that's fucking mature.

Just fuck this moment. Because THIS sucks. I just can't even right now. GOD.

So it's my birthday...

and I wanted to take this opportunity to just say something without worrying about who's reading it or whether or not I make sense.

Is it expecting a lot to get a simple acknowledgement of my birth? I guess it is.

THIS is why I don't look forward to things & why I HATE getting ideas in my head about how life will pan out. It never goes that way and I get so disappointed. I hate it.

A simple "happy birthday" from you and my birthday would have been officially perfect. Yeah, it's mega selfish to even think I'd get that, but it's not like I'm asking you to have my babies or something. A two word text. I wasn't worth that. How else am I supposed to take that? Yeah, you had a lot of pressure on you, because you had to make that judgement call before your birthday came up, but you know what, I probably would have said it anyway. It doesn't even matter anymore - it's whatever. Dare I say, it's fine.

I have no reason to care, no reason to have expected you to say something, no reason to even remotely think that it would happen. It's my fault. You live and learn.

Right when I think I'm over it, though, I realize I'm not and it's so damn frustrating, because I know I'm in no position to feel like you should say anything and also because this is all my fault to begin with anyway. I'm really conflicted emotionally, because I know this whole thing is for the better, but it still sucks anyway.

Yes, I've gotten much better and I have a whole new support system, but there are still some things I just keep to myself that I used to be able to share. That's hard. I hate that my thoughts today went back to how last year we celebrated my birthday together with my family. I hate how much things have changed and how quickly it seemed to have happened, how I feel like I'm the only one that's hung up on old shit. It's rage-worthy. It's down right depressing how disappointed I am.

It's sad when a measly hope doesn't even come true. What's even more sad is how much that stupid thing meant to you when you realize it's stupid. It makes me feel like an idiot.

I could make all these excuses for you, but I won't. It's a matter of pride or a matter of insecurity that made it so you didn't say jack-shit to me today. You keep that up, because that was totally a winning game plan. I'll lead by example, because I'm tired of being the only one that seems to care or seems to still have old feelings. I'm tired of being the one that buckles under the emotional pressure and the one that ends up looking ridiculously immature.

I'm not doing that anymore. We had something good, yet horribly bad going on and maybe it's for the better that I just ended it before we could have gone furthur down the road and ended up miserably. Maybe we would have ended up happy as fuck. I guess I'll never know. I'm not even going to dwell on the what ifs, because look where that got me: a depressed/sub-par Jessica on her 20th birthday.

I'm not quite sure how you fucking manage to do it, but without even being physically present, you hurt me.

You deserve all the awards, because you're THAT good at what you do so naturally.

I didn't even mean for this to go so off track. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry for speaking my mind. At least, I am managing to tell you how I feel, even if there's zero chance you'll ever read this. That's more than the lukewarm bullshit I feel like you're dishing out. At least each time I saw you after the break up, I've been nothing but attentive to you. I wish I could say that I received the same treatment, but especially that last time I saw you, that time that I swore thereafter I wouldn't ask to see you again, and when I would talk to you, you looked so apathetic and like you couldn't care less.

What a horrible note to end on.

It's just an irritating aspect of life. It's so irritating. It's like someone walking slow in the hallway in front of you and you're running late, but they won't move their body and you can't pass them.

I guess I should give you kudos for moving me even when you're miles away from me.

I wish you knew how upset I get just thinking about this. I bet you just did whatever you did today, knowing in the back of your mind what the day was, and worried about what I would think or didn't wanna seem weak/vulnerable... I think that's what pisses me off and upsets me more than anything else. It's not like I didn't put my pride aside to ask to see you twice since December.

I'm just going to stop while I'm ahead. This is getting me no where & I'm not gaining anything from this, because my thoughts are so discombobulated.

Someone like You

So today, I woke up at 7:55.. not because I wanted to, but because my dream made it so I physically could not sleep any longer.

For whatever reason, I was in Cape Coral, driving around & minding my own business, when I saw you in a car that probably doesn't even exist because it had the space of a mini van, but it was the size of a normal car, and you were talking to a girl. Then you told the driver to reverse, even though we were in the middle of an intersection. You got out of the car and started yelling at me and asking what I was doing there and how I could do that to the girl you were talking to. Obviously, I was fucking confused, because true I stared, but I didn't do anything remotely insulting or attention-grabbing.

So I drove around and parked somewhere and you had followed me by foot there to continue yelling at me, because for some reason that made sense. When I got out of the car, you legit sprinted after me, chasing me through people's backyards and swimming pools. You yelled at me saying that you finally forgot about me and that you weren't talking about me constantly anymore. It led to an awkward conversation where I asked if the girl in the car was a potential and if that was why you were mad. You said that you didn't know, but that she could be, so I congratulated you and told you that I was happy for you. I apologized for driving around in the Cape and you apologized for flipping a disk, then we just talked and time flew by and then we separated how we always do.

Then I woke up. It just felt like something that could have happened, minus the running through other people's property. It doesn't help that some of the conversations have actually occurred, like with the "potentials". I can't even think of the word in that sort of context without thinking of you.

There's this thing that says if you dream about someone, that means that they miss you or that they're thinking of you. If that's the case, why can't you be the one to cave and ask to hang out with me? Why does it feel like I'm the only one dwelling on the past and you're doing your own thing?

It's aggravating. I make so much progress forward, or at least that's the impression I get, but then something as silly as a dream can push me back. It's just disheartening. I wish I knew how to look at everything that we were without feeling the emotions behind it, like reading a story about someone that I've never met before. I'll never know how they felt during that situation, but I know the facts. I want to be able to detach myself from the pain that I felt over all that time, but I want to hold onto the experience so I know better next time.

That's a lot to ask for, but it's been 8 months. This shit is getting ridiculous. I shouldn't even be feeling like this because I was the one to end the relationship - it's supposed to be so much easier for me to move on, but for some reason, it's not and I don't know why.

Late Night Blitherings...

Maybe it's because whenever I see Blayn, he keeps asking why I don't like his one friend Cody and I keep just giving him the go-around.

It's not like Cody is a bad guy - in fact, he was really nice to me, albeit he was a total creeper, but he's still a nice guy who has good intentions. But I feel selfish if I just say, "it's because he's not my type/I don't find him attractive" and I especially don't want to say "I don't want to date anyone right now" because that's not a whole-truth.

I'm not knowingly looking for anyone to date, but I guess I would be open to the idea if it were presented to me. Does that make sense? But at the same time, I know I physically can't be in one. How can I make someone else happy when I can barely take care of myself?

I can't date just anyone.. maybe that's where I will always go wrong. I don't compromise my feelings or what I want just to have someone next to me; I've never been that type of girl. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so picky - what right do I have to be like that?

The next time he asks though, which I know he will when I see him again on Thursday, I'm just going to say a derivative of this:

"I can't reciprocate his feelings, because I don't want to be the reason for anyone's sadness, nor do I ever want to make them feel like they aren't special or important. I don't date just anyone or just because I find them attractive. If I were like that, I wouldn't be where I am right now.. I get in moods where I miss the past entirely too much - I'm too complicated right now and I can't say with certainty that if my ex were to approach me, that I wouldn't waver, even if it's just for a split second."

Maybe I should bring that with me, so that I can eloquently say what's on my mind. I'm just worried he'll open up Pandora's box and what semblance of a friendship we have is just going to collapse entirely.

When did life get so complicated? Better yet, when did I make my life so complicated and why can't I just stop?

Over and over I keep going over the world we knew
Once when you walked beside me
That inconceivable, that unbelievable world we knew
When we two were in love

And every bright neon sign turned into stars
And the sun and the moon seemed to be ours
Each road that we took turned into gold
But the dream was too much for you to hold

Now over and over I keep going over the world we knew
Days when you used to love me

And every bright neon sign turned into stars
And the sun and the moon seemed to be ours
Each road that we took, it turned into gold
But the dream was too much for you to hold

Now over and over I keep going over the world we knew
Days when you used to love me

Over and over I keep going over the world we knew

I don't miss you; I miss the thought of you.

I miss the knowledge of security, knowing that I always had someone who cared enough to listen to my problems when I had them, knowing that you were only ever a few minutes away if I was ever in trouble, whether it was a mental problem or a physical one.

I miss the positives, like cuddling and kisses. Maybe I am a selfish person, but you know what? I wish we did these simple things more often. It's only now, looking back, that I realized we didn't do this nearly enough. Maybe that's where everything took a turn for the worse and we started fighting more often, my stress started getting to me, and we began to fall apart. I remember walking around with you and not having a desire to hold your hand at all times when I used to thrive on that, when we'd have to stop just because our hands would get all clammy and sweaty.

We stopped cuddling when we watched movies and I remember how upset you were about that. I never understood. I didn't see the big deal, but now that I'm reading more manga, granted it's not all appropriate or something society would look favorably on, so maybe I shouldn't base real life relationships on it, but because I'm reading, I can see for myself what relationships are really about. It's not about accomplishing a million things in one day, like I always seemed to make it. It's not about catching the before noon movie, just so we could save a few dollars on ticket price. It's not about being right or doing the things that I'm comfortable with. It's about being satisfied with the menial day-to-day, how just laying on the couch together cuddling takes the worries away.

I wish I knew that. More than that, I wish you had been the one to break it off. I feel like I'm the only one in the wrong and I would love to be able to pinpoint some blame on you.

I mean, I can, but then I have to take into account how I may have blown up the situation. For instance, you did lie, whether or not you feel the lie is worth it or not, but it held a lot of weight. Not necessarily what you said but how long it took you to say what I always knew.. You told me for 2.5 years that I had no idea what I was talking about, that I was insecure for even thinking what I did. I don't think you could possibly know how broken I was because of it when you finally admitted to it. I don't think you even knew that it was so bad that I sat on the couch, even when my dad was home, just crying, because I couldn't handle it. My dad sat there, not knowing what to do or what to say to calm me down. I had to solve it for myself and he knew that was something he could not help me with, no matter how badly I may have needed it.

Other than that lie & the bullshit that comprised our beginnings, you did nothing wrong. Maybe I just need to accept that you're not the bad guy, that you weren't the bad guy for at least our last 1.5 years.

I always wanted to put the blame on you, because I didn't know how to correct myself. I still don't think I do. I'm trying to build myself up again by making mistakes and learning from them. I hope that I can be happy with the answers I find and that I'll find someone I'll want to cuddle with and kiss and hold hands with, someone who complements me rather than completes me.

I think a part of me will always love you, even though after seeing you, I can see the gap in maturity between the two of us. We're in different stages of our lives now - it's not high school where things seemed so easy, which is ironic, because us in high school was the "us" at our worst. I told you countless of times that I hated my senior year. I will always prefer junior year, because I was the happiest then; I had you, my friends, my family, my hobbies.

Having you as a boyfriend definitely changed my life, because I got to learn what was so great about relationships. I could only look at my friends and wonder why they got so hung up on their shitty exes and now I know why. Even if the ex was a complete douchebag, there was always some silver lining that brightened everything. For me, it was around this time.. when we kissed, that whole night was my guiding light that shone even when the abuse started, even when it got so bad we were sent to Stejskal's office because people driving through Verot saw us, even when my parents disapproved... all of it was worth it, because I couldn't forget how you made me feel that night, like I was weightless and all that was holding me to the earth was you and how warm your grasp was, how time slowed down and every second felt like an eternity yet the night went by so fast, how we'd only stop to breathe, how it didn't matter that it was only our 3rd time hanging out with each other.

I will ALWAYS look back on that memory so fondly. You knew that I thought highly of that day, but I don't think you knew all of this. I wish I told you. I wish you could see. I wish our relationship could have withstood all of this, but looking at where I am now and where I have to go, I would have hated to drag you with me, especially when I know how much turmoil you're in about your own problems. I'm glad you found your solution through music. I wish I could hear you play without worrying over my severed heartstrings.

I need to trust.
I need to feel.
I need to be open.
I'm working on this; I get hurt every single day, whether it's through being ignored or through feeling like the bad guy for pointing out the blunt truth. I wonder if I'm doing this right, if I'm molding myself to be a healthy human being or if I'm just becoming what I think I should be. I don't know who to ask or who can help me, but I hope that I might find someone who sees my insecurities and flaws and finds them irresistibly beautiful, even if I could use a little work. Someone who inspires me to better myself, not because I feel that I HAVE to otherwise I'll lose you, but because I posses the willpower to strive to always want to be a better me. Someone who not only inspires me, but who I also inspire. Someone who sees reality and envisions it in a new light.

I don't think that's asking for too much, but then again, I've been wrong before.

116

Talking with you will always confuse me because you make my heart soar for seemingly no reason. Just talking about the future with you, even if the odds of it happening are one in a billion, makes me feel like everything is worth it, that you're never gonna forget me and that our friendship will always stand the test of time and distance.

I'm worried distance will separate us eventually, but knowing that right now, you envision a future with me in it, however improbable that future may be, calms my fears and makes me realize how silly I am.

I think you may be the truest friend I have ever had. Even if there's negativity in our lives, when we're together, we're like an unstoppable force of happiness. You can cheer me up so easily, because you have such a bright smile. The thought of you ever being hurt or ever being upset bothers me so much that I would set aside my own feelings to comfort you, even if that meant driving 40 miles to see you for only a few hours. I would drive any distance to know that you're okay and I think you might know this. I hope you know that.

If anyone would be the peanut butter to my jelly, it's you. Sometimes I worry that your girlfriend hates me, because of how our friendship is and I hope you're strong enough to fight to keep this friendship should she ever make you choose.

I always regret how I couldn't fight for you when you needed me to. I am constantly thankful that you're so forgiving that you would not only accept my friendship, but would welcome me with open arms when I was so cold to you. You inspire me. Being around you is like looking at the sun - I know if I look too long that I'll lose my vision, but you're so bright and I can't help myself. I know the risks, but I stay by you anyway. I know that I can't expect anything more than friendship and that these flirtations are just friendship. At the risk of my heart thinking they are more, I can't help but want to spend time with you, because you bring out the best in me, the me that is optimistic and a free-spirit in times of trouble.

When I lose my way, you always save me somehow with such grace and ease that you make it seem as simple as breathing. I wish I could talk to you more openly about what bothers me, but I cherish what time I get with you. I never want to taint a moment with my insipid curiosity or my weak nature - that's not the Jessica that you know. Maybe that means we aren't as close of friends as I'd like to think we are, but I can hope, can't I? I can think that we're such good friends that we don't have to discuss serious topics like love and disappointment and that we just pour our energies into being happy and enjoying ourselves, right?

I sincerely hope I can keep you in my life forever. I can't stress enough how your friendship has affected me, how you've changed me. I'll always be fighting for your happiness even at my expense, because you've given me so much more than I could ever repay you.

I remember telling you yesterday that I bought Blink 182's Greatest Hits and that I just sat in my car and listened to it, instantly regretting that I bought it after I was done.

What I failed to mention was that I bought it because I missed you and once it ended, I felt so stupid for thinking that buying it would fill the gap and that I can't keep doing this to myself.

I don't think you know how much I miss you and how badly it hurts me.

A majority of the things I end up telling you about, I'm trying to see how you feel and I know that's wrong. The blank expression you have though opens the wounds all over again and I end up feeling stupid, but I do this to myself. I intentionally try to get a rise out of you, so when I get no response, I feel like I'm only hurting myself.

I wish things could be different.

1819

I saw you today. I never know how to feel after I see you - should I be happy for you or should I just be happy that I'm doing alright in comparison to you?

I can't read you. I'll tell you all of these things about what I've been up to and you'll have a poker face. Am I the only one that gets even the slightest bit hurt when I realize, in comparison, I haven't done anything? That all of my happiness seems so trivial and meaningless when you factor how much better you seem to be doing - how else am I supposed to feel?

I like seeing you, but I feel like I have to show that I'm not, that I have to be this hell-spitting demon just to stick to my decision. I feel like every time I see you, I make it that much more difficult on the two of us. I don't know if you even really enjoy seeing me when you say you do. I don't even think you know that when I say, "I agree," to that statement, I actually mean it.

Yes, I told you that I deeply regret texting you that ill-fated sleepless night and that I hoped my phone destroyed the text message or that I dreamed it, but I don't know how to feel.

I wish I could see you just to talk to you seriously. Enough of the idle bantering conversations. Sure, I'm glad you're going to all of these concerts and finally playing your instrument again. I'm not even sure why you stopped, because I always told you that I liked you best when you were passionate about that, but that's a whole other set of worms.

Is it too much to ask that for once when I see you, I can finally apologize for everything? That all of this can finally be put to rest after 6 months of repairing just to have that crash down on two different occasions?

I'm tired of creating all of these scenarios in my mind where we finally forgive and forget, just to have days like today where it's ethereal. I checked out of the conversation and just looked at you. I had no idea what you were saying and it wasn't even because I was bored. I just couldn't believe that after 3 months of not seeing each other, we're still doing the same bullshit routine.

I look at you and wonder what I was thinking. I look at you and wonder why I couldn't handle my stress better. I look at you and wonder what life events we would have missed out on if I could have just been more forgiving. I look at you and thank God that I got out while I could. I look at you and wonder if there's ever another chance. I look at you and wonder if you even give a shit now. I look at you and think of how much you have impacted me as a person and wonder if I can ever really walk away. I look at you and wonder how much longer we're going to play the "catch-up" game. I look at you and wonder if letting you go will be my biggest regret.

I am happy now, but some days are more difficult than others. I miss you a lot sometimes. I don't have the luxury of driving aimlessly like you do - I feel like I have nowhere to go. I feel like if I went anywhere, I wouldn't be accepted.

I hate that seeing you makes me feel that way, like I have no self-worth. Maybe that's a component of what destroyed everything - I always felt like we were competing, like who had the better group of friends or who had more meaningful friendships. I felt empty unless I was with you and I know that's not healthy, but now I feel empty regardless, like a jigsaw puzzle that's missing the final piece.

In Kung Fu Panda 2, Po said, "You got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." I wish it were that simple. I wish it was something I could suppress or repress in my memories and that they would fade.

I wish I could properly thank you for everything, making me who I am, even if I wish I was who I used to be. Because of you, so many good things have happened to me, but I can't ever tell you thank you. I feel like if I did, I would be admitting that you were just a shooting comet across my night sky.

I sometimes think I over-glorify us. In fact, I know I did. For every low we had, we would have an insurmountable high point that somehow rationalized all of the crap for me. I'm not strong. I tend to romanticize the most trivial things. I over-analyze situations. I wish I didn't, but I do. It's who I am.

I feel selfish asking to see you when I have no right to even ask. You're so busy that I feel guilty for asking for that opportunity when I'll just walk away wondering what the fuck I was thinking or what I was trying to do. I'm sure you feel the same. I'm sure you wonder, especially today, why I even asked, why I can't be strong without having to drag you down with me.

I wish I could ask you what I really want to know, rather than what classes you're taking. I wish I could speak to you without worrying over whether or not I sound as stupid as I think I do. I wish things could be the way they were when conversation came easy and serious topics just flowed. It's not like I want to be a central part in your life, especially if you don't want me to be, but I'd like to be able to express to you all of these mixed up feelings I have.

I worry they would burden you. That knowing my conflicted emotions would just ruin what you've got going on. I worry we could make the same mistakes again. I think of all of those people in your life right now, the ones who helped rebuild you, and how devastated they would be if I hurt you again. What if today hurt you? What if they have to start back at square one? I think of how hurt my close friends and family would be if they knew I felt this way. I put up this blase wall because I don't like thinking about it. I made a blog just to write this shit down and hope that maybe one day, you'll actually want to read it or that maybe I'll finally be done with all of this.

That I'll finally be done holding my breath when I think I see your car, that I'll be able to listen to music without thinking of you, that my heart will stop hurting when I think of everything in the past.

I hate thinking that the only reason why I miss you is because I miss the cutesy things, like hand holding or cuddling.

I wish I knew what you were thinking and how you're feeling. I wish I was close enough to you to be able to ask without feeling like a bitch.

I wish I could formulate a single blog post so that it makes sense and isn't one garbled mess.

I wish I could send this to you.

I hope you're happy. I genuinely mean that.