Consistently torn between wishing I could go back in time to tell past!me not to be so dependent/be the person I always was and keeping things the same, because I was put into situations which helped to shape who I am, regardless of how much I wish they never happened.

It's just really sad to see notes I wrote during that time period and to see how I answered questions and how I'd answer them. I want to give past!me a hug and a little push towards the people who would make everything tolerable.

To see some of his responses to the questions, I just think it's really sad.

It's sad how close people can be one day and then it's like it never happened; you can't talk about it anymore - all those inside jokes die, all the memories become almost tainted, a sort of experience where you can only smile sadly when thinking about.

It's sad that from that point on, you have to almost erase their existence in order to be okay. In order to move on, it's almost like you have to deny the relationship even happened, but at the same time, you need to acknowledge it, so you won't fall into the same potholes as before.

It's sad to think "right person, wrong time". It's sad to even think about meeting someone who wouldn't know you or want to know you as well as he did.

It's sad to think no matter how much personal closure you get, it will ever make it 100% okay.

It's sad to see a friendship crumble, because the relationship burned too intensely and too long, but neither person would let go, so we just held on til our hands burned and our hearts got scorched.

It's sad to know the innocence you had as far as how guys would treat their girlfriends is nearly gone. It's like to heal, you had to excise what couldn't be saved/healed and then you're left with a heart much smaller than what you had prior to everything.

I don't know - I'm in one of those moods. Facebook allowing easy access to all of these old comments/replies is a reason. Also because, without fail, before exams I usually go through some sort of turmoil like this.

I can't wait to meet the guy who can be the good experience I should have had the first time around. And saying this sort of stuff makes it seem like no good came out of that relationship, but I just want something permanent, tangible, and something I can claim. Just meeting a guy I think it's worthwhile to argue with would be a giant step forward.

Because I find it funny how no matter how much time goes by, I can be hit by a dream involving you.

What's good is the fact it doesn't ruin my day.

That seeing you on campus, while it still makes me get all pumped on adrenaline, it doesn't ruin my day like it would have awhile ago.

I also find solace in the fact that the dream was plausible and realistic for how I remember you and I didn't fall for any of it, nor was I hearing any of it.

I wish I could give dream!me a high-five for saying what she did.

Every day gets a bit better than the last and for that I am forever thankful <3

Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just in a mood, but I feel the need to vent, so bear with me. You don't have to, of course!! I just need to type all this out so I can stop thinking on it.

There is a moment when you stop and realize that not everyone is as self-confident as you are.. or that it's not a normal thing to "not give a fuck". It's one thing to SAY that, but living that is another matter entirely.

When you do something, get called out on it, and say, "idgaf I do what I want" but get upset when you don't get something, which you apparently "don't give a fuck about" - that means you care and therefore, shouldn't say that you don't give a fuck.

Normally, I don't care. I care in this instance, because what you did was petty and, frankly, disgusting.

I understand I did the one thing that grates on your nerves, which is basically turning your friends against you so they play on my side and join in the teasing. I also apologized right when it happened.

What's not so cool is pointing out something I dislike when I'm not even in the room just because you knew your friend liked it so they wouldn't think of me as highly.

I honestly don't care, because I have enough friends as is and I'm not looking to make more.

I won't hesitate to say I dislike Avatar and, if asked, I'd admit it wholeheartedly. It's just really lame to tell someone someone else's opinion in order to make yourself look better and maybe that's not what your whole point was in talking about my dislikes when I wasn't even present, but it sure felt that way.

Which is why for the rest of the night thereafter I was snarky and relatively unpleasant, because I thought it was rude.

It's also rude to be texting/tumblring while watching a show, regardless of how often you've seen it... if your internet life is so much more fascinating than RL encounters, then don't tell me it's okay to hang out. Better yet, don't try to inflate your own ego by attempting to impress people by acting like somebody else.

But what do I know - I only have 77 followers to your 404, because apparently internet popularity means something in real life. And no, I don't appreciate you telling me to post pictures of myself on the internet and I'm glad you dropped it before I unleashed my feelings on the matter.

While I think comparing follower counts is extremely stupid, I'd like to think the people who follow me actually care about things I'm interested in, rather than follow me because I look attractive to them.

They seem to like things you like just fine, but honestly, I like MY blog the way it is.

Also, don't complain about what other people do when you yourself do the same exact damn thing - don't complain that people don't smile in pictures when you yourself don't. It makes you look like an idiot. And that I had to call you out on, because there's no way you can possibly be that oblivious.

Nights like tonight remind me why I limit my interaction with people, because I have such low tolerance for anything that rubs me the wrong way. I'm an optimistic person, so spending time with a cynic is bothersome. Basically being told that everyone has to grow up eventually is not something I believe and that's just a difference of opinion.

I don't know. A lot of today/tonight is all perceptual and subjective, but what isn't in life?

I don't appreciate being told what I should do, being made ostracized because I don't enjoy something (other than Avatar, this included a plethora of other live actor TV shows - it'd be different if it was JUST Avatar, because then you could say Fruits Basket is that way for you, but unlike me, you actually have no reason to dislike Fruits Basket, whereas I've tried watching Avatar and I just dislike it), and realizing that the internet is far more important than watching a show you supposedly like.

Also, stop fucking waiting for me to react to something and then say the same exact thing I do at a delayed reaction like we have some sort of "tin foil hat" moment. You're just copying me and gauging my reaction to know how you should react and it's really shitty, especially when I react "incorrectly" and you get on my case about it. Either form your own opinion and react to things yourself or stfu.

I don't even know why I do this to myself

Imagine my surprise, anger, paranoia and every other negative emotion that flooded me when I found out you're transferring to my college.

Not like seeing the type of car you drive enrages me and catches my eye while I drive. Kudos for picking a popular car, by the way.

I'd say I'm completely over the past, but it's still a constant nagging force due to the little things, like seeing your car on campus, even when I know it's not your car, or like seeing movies that I've seen with you. You know, stupid stuff like that. Like the fact you had never seen Harry Potter before dating me and now you claim to like it.  Or the fact you still randomly appear in my dreams - it's the shittiest feeling knowing that no matter how okay I can be with how things are, something minute like that can make me feel down.

Like this whole transferring bit, I remember talking with you about it when you didn't get accepted into FGCU immediately and how you planned on transferring here after your 2nd year. I didn't think you'd still do that after we broke up - which is yet another silly ideation, because who am I to stop you from doing what you decided.

But now I have to worry about actually seeing your car, seeing it parked near mine or even just the thought that you're going to the same school that I am again, or that you're in class while I'm in class, or worse, that I'll be walking the hallways and see you. I'm already horrible when I see people that I know and actually like - I've actually seen someone I knew and walked in a different direction, because I didn't want to talk to them and that was with acquaintances.

The last time I saw you on campus, which was approximately a month after we broke up, I wanted to punch something and I couldn't stop shaking for an hour until I met up with Austin and got my mind off of it.

And now I have to think about whether or not you'll be holding hands with your girlfriend in the hallways where we used to hold hands. It's too much.

I don't know if it's better that we have an awkward exchange of words or if it'd be better if we just ignored each other/didn't draw attention to knowing each other.

What if I see you when I'm talking to someone else? What if I don't see you, but I hear you in the hallway? That will kill me. I can still hear some of the things you'd say - mostly the negatives, but other than that, I've forgotten what you sound like when you're not cussing at me over stupid shit.

And the funniest part is I'm just worrying myself for nothing - I mean, I've been going to the same college as a bunch of people I know, but I rarely see them. I don't really have a reason to be too scared - it's a fairly decent sized campus. I guess I'm scared because my classes are in a central building, rather than the Nursing building which is by itself. 

I'm scared I'll drop my guard and then get bombarded by you and have all the bad feelings flush back. I'm scared that I'll see you talking with Travis or something and everything just gets awkward really quickly. I want to keep what's mine and what's yours completely separated - this whole intermingling thing due to you transferring is going to ruin the progress I've made.

I don't even know how I should act or react if I do see you. I don't want you to say hi to me, but I don't want you to completely ignore my existence either. Does that even make sense? It doesn't, but that's how I feel and I can't stop that.

I'm scared other people won't understand how I feel if I tell them this sort of thing. I feel like I'm not even on the same level as everyone else my age - girls who literally are in one relationship one week and then they are sleeping/seeing another guy the next week. I'm not like that - I don't know how to be. I waited a year until I "dated" again and even then, it wasn't really dating, because we didn't do anything "couple-y". I feel like I can't anymore. I mean, it doesn't help I haven't found someone I want to be couple-y with, but I don't want to get disappointed, hurt, or isolated.

I'm tired of trusting people just to end up getting hurt. I'm tired of believing what people say to be fact, only to have it change because of circumstances benefiting the other person. I'm tired of feeling like I'm undeserving of respect, but I keep getting shown signs of disrespect by people in my life and that's the worst feeling.

It sucks knowing the first person you gave a shot on didn't even respect you enough to break up with you in person, but that he did so via text message while you were on vacation. It sucks knowing that he never apologized in person or even in general for having done so.

I'm tired of having guys dick me over while I'm spending time with my family, whether it's you with your douchebag guilt whenever I spent anytime with my family or from anyone else who goes out of their way to ruin the time I share with family.

Do I just have this sign over my head that says, "Hi, you should treat me like shit, whether we're friends or more, because I deserve it?"

I want to know why I get treated so shitty when I feel like I've done nothing to deserve it. Maybe if I was some raging bitch 24/7, I could understand, but I'm not. I keep all my snide comments to myself, especially if I'm not comfortable with the person they'd be targeted to.

Is it because I seem like a nice person that people feel like they can take advantage of me without guilt or they think they can, because I'll just forgive them and wave it off and everything will be hunky dory?

Why. I really want to know. I want to know why I deserved any of that - why I was made out to feel like shit and why it was okay to make me feel that way; why it was always my fault if I started crying and how that made me a bad person because I was making it about myself.

Who even says that? Who is allowed to say that to someone they claim to love and why is it that when the relationship ends, they are the first one to find happiness with another person? Since when is that fair? Where's the equivalency in that?

And now, I have to deal with all of this and the paranoia of knowing I might have to see you in the future, the guy who knowingly dicked me over and somehow got to find someone they are happy with. The very thought makes me sick. It makes me want to run away and I know that's not a mature or rational decision.

I hate feeling like I have to be rational or mature. I hate knowing that I have to keep my emotions in check, because they're too volatile otherwise. And yes, I have the best support system a girl could ask for, but I don't want to burden them with this shit in real life. I don't want them to know that I'm not that strong - I don't want them to think negatively of me, too. I don't think I could handle that.

So, I'll take all of this in stride and put on a brave face. It's only going to be for one year and then I'll be gone. Maybe by showing that I'm okay, I really will be, because there's no other way I can deal with this. I've exhausted my pool of options - I'm not going to talk to you about it just to regain the feeling that I'm wasting your time. It hurts too much to know that I'm the only one still hurting. It hurts having movies or activities be ruined because of old memories.

Like how when we saw How To Train Your Dragon, I would make comments to you, like we always did, and the adult in front of us was texting during the movie and turned around to give a death glare, and you told me to stop talking, and when I tried to tell you that he was texting, a fact you'd only know if you were sitting in my seat, you got upset at me. How that entire movie experience and thus movie was ruined, because you put stock in a stranger rather hear my side of it. It's not like I was even talking loudly - I remember being so upset about that.

Like how you took me to see Tangled when we were fighting, despite me not wanting to see that movie when we weren't completely okay.

It just sucks. I hate it. I really do. There's nothing about this that I like. It's just one thing on top of another and I know I should only focus at the problems at my feet, but I don't even know where to begin or how to begin.

Right when I think everything is okay and great, I get shown that, no, it isn't, and I'm just tired of it.

I wish I could say all that I wanted to say to you and that maybe you could find this one day, so I wouldn't have to see you. I wish invisibility cloaks were real, because I'd send you one, so I wouldn't have to see you. 

I just wish I understood why it's okay for you to have happiness, the kind of happiness you only get from dating someone, when you've done all that you've done. I really want to know if you even feel one sliver of regret or if you were even honest with your girlfriend about how you treated me. I want to know what kind of girl would take someone like that and love them, assuming she does.

I'm not even sure if knowing any of that will even make me feel better - it probably won't, but at least it'd give me some peace of mind from the questions that have been plaguing me since you started dating someone new.

Dreams are trolls. You go to sleep, a pleasant activity, especially when you're exhausted, and your brain or whatever you believe causes dreams decides to surprise you in all the wrong ways.

I can't even remember it that well and I just woke up, but all I know was that he made a guest appearance and right when that happened, I woke up and just laid in bed thinking.

I remember how angry and resentful he was that I had alcoholic drinks under my parents supervision, which only happened one or two times, but in those instances it was in the most literal sense, a glass of it - 8 oz and all. Because I'm such an honest person, I even told him that I had a sip in one moment of my life without my parents there and it was like I murdered someone.

It was as if I committed some giant taboo and I remember getting really upset about your reaction. True, he had to deal with alcoholism in his family since he was born, but I wasn't his family. I just remember thinking it wasn't fair and I still don't think it is.

I'd be curious to know how many people can say they haven't drank before the age of 21 who didn't even have a sip of it prior to turning the age of. He actually told me that I drank. He honestly made it incredibly difficult to be honest, because it seemed like he judged me and judged the people I hung out with.

And then this guy on a random occasion said that had he not been dating me, that he would probably be doing drugs or something. So, it's okay to be honest about that, but not about sips... and when I say sips, I really mean one sip, because Julia told me it was cranberry juice and when I realized what it was, I stopped.

I wish I knew why a lot of the things I did upset him so much. He had so many preconceived notions of who I was, like how he thought I was a party girl. I'm pretty sure I NEVER gave off that impression in high school, but for some reason that's what he thought. So, when I tell him my alcohol stories, stories that aren't even exciting, stories that I wasn't even drunk during and stories where I didn't make any mistakes due to it, he got upset.

I guess I was a saint back then, because I stayed and he always brought it up. He always said, "Well, now you can't tell your kids not to drink, because you have." I'm sorry to say that I never agreed with that statement and I would get really upset whenever he would say that. Looking back, all I want to say is, "It's like you don't even know me," and it pains me to think that, because that was one of the main reasons I stayed, because I thought he was the one person to know me better than anyone else. In some aspects that was true, but it's really disappointing to realize looking back that every bad thing was just a red flag that I chose to ignore until I was really spiraling.

On a fluffier note, one of my friends from Nursing went drinking with this other girl in our clinical group. Yesterday she told me and Jennifer about it and about how Amanda (the friend) said she hasn't really made very many friends and how she's socially anxious. The only thing that came to my mind during that was the penguin and then I felt kind of bad. She's hours away from home & I'm pretty sure she broke up with her long-time boyfriend last week because she was out of it the entire day - that'd be enough to make me feel bad too - I mean half of that was enough! But then I realized why I don't hang out with her, despite the fact that she's cool and funny and that's because she drinks a lot and often. Like, she's gone out drinking Wednesday night, Thursday night, and she's going to go again Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - am I alone in thinking that's a tad excessive? She's 21, so it's none of my business, but I just feel like it's difficult to become friends with someone if you don't have something in common and for us, that'd be Nursing, which isn't the most fun topic.

This isn't even a fluffy note; it's just a digression.

Tl;dr - he's an asshole; I'm a social floater; Amanda is socially anxious and I don't know if I could become friends with her, because I don't partake in her activities, which makes me feel bad, because she's feeling sad and alone and I can't be bothered. Looks like I'm an asshole too!!

This post is ALL over the place, much like my brain

There are two things that people should know about me:

One: I am the product of my parents. Their tempers are my tempers. What does that mean for you? I've learned my dad's explosive temper and my mom's passive aggressive, stubborn, quiet thunder anger technique. With both of them combined - it's not pleasant.

Two: Because of this, I have a low bullshit tolerance policy concerning the people in my life - if something is bothering me, it will be made obvious through my word choice, body language, and attitude. If something continues to bother me, I will say something about it. Most likely in a way that's not healthy or correct.

To avoid exploding my rage to the party intended, I have decided to blog. I need these emotions out of me and floating in hyperspace on the internet.

I will be the first to say it's not because you watched XYZ. In fact, that's not the big deal at the moment. While it did bother me at first, this has now escalated to a problem of mammoth proportions, as do most of the problems I have in RL.

My problem lies in the fact that this is not the first time listening has been a problem.

I'm a big promoter for promises. I love them - I love making them. I love keeping them. I love people that love promises. Most of all, I love people who keep promises, which is obvious.

Everyone expects promises to be kept, but not so often are people willing to keep the promises they themselves make.

To me, friendships are like little relationships. Enter, Captain Obvious Jess, but bear with me for a little bit.

When you enter a romantic relationship, it's all about give/take, forgiveness, fidelity, honesty, communication, etc. Another component to ANY relationship is listening. If you feel like you're not being heard, you'll just stop talking. It's human nature. Why waste your time and everyone else's time if you feel like what you have to say isn't important?

This is the point that I feel like I'm at right now. This tiny teetering point where I'm slipping into insanity and rage.

What's the point of making plans if the plans are just going to be easily forgotten? What's the point of relationships when you feel like you give more than you get? It's an incredibly selfish/childish way of looking at relationships, but we're only human. If we're going to hurt, we want the pain to be worth it. We want to know that the outcome is worth the journey.

Because I'm talking about friendship, the tolerance level is much lower. While friendships are really near and dear to me, there are, ultimately, extraneous amounts of humans in the world I can befriend.

However, because I take my friendships seriously, I'm also not one to give up easily on them. It's both a blessing and a curse, because I get my hopes up and dashed because not everyone has the same feelings as I do.

I love my friends dearly - I put them on the same level of family. There's literally nothing I wouldn't do for my friends. So, I'm sorry I get hurt/upset when you forget something I've said in regards to future plans. I put stock in words. I put stock in actions. I put stock in promises. I put stock in promises that aren't even explicitly stated, because I know how badly it hurts to be let down by someone you thought cared. 

Maybe I have a different perspective, because of my life experiences. I literally cannot create any sort of rationale to make this okay.

While I haven't had to be the one to really nip anything in the bud, these points have been brought up to you before in some way, shape, or form. This isn't the first time that listening has been a problem. I can't even speak rationally about all of the feelings I have right now.

This is me making a mountain out of a mole hill, but in reality, I almost feel like I have to in order for any positive change to occur. I'm not going to keep setting myself up to be disappointed by the people that are closest to me. I can't do that anymore. I refuse. I took the "out of jail free" cards out of my deck and threw them into the air at the beginning of 2011.

Friendship isn't this difficult. It's really just treating people the way you want to be treated. It's first grade, so why is it that complicated?

The only rationales I can come up with is that the friendship doesn't mean as much to you like it does to me - that's such a horrible thing to accuse someone of, but that's where I'm at mentally right now.

And why should you take this friendship that seriously when you so easily have all these other people on the internet that are as special or even more so? I never said this would be a rational blog post.

I don't even know what to say at this point. I have laid ALL of my cards on the table about me, my life, and my ways of thinking, and I just feel like you're going out of your way to piss on everything I hold sacred & this has probably all been culminating since the Fruits Basket incidence, hence the allusion earlier that I knew you wouldn't understand.

I don't have an overabundance of friends. I don't have this group of people on the internet cheering me on for existing. If I don't hang out with you guys on Saturday, do you know what I do? Nothing. I live for Saturdays, because I get my best friend time and I can actually do the activities that make me happy.

I have honestly beat the dead horse on me, my past, and friendships, but it either doesn't sink in with you or it just doesn't matter. I'm not sure which option I prefer really, because in either instance I just want to punch you.

I'm taking all of this very personally, because I don't know how else to take it.

The way I see it: we discussed something, we eagerly said we'd do this activity together, then you just BYPASSED the promise, did the activity, and then told me about it eagerly like it was okay.

I don't make plans or say things because I like the sound of my voice or because I enjoy lying. I actually want to do all the things I've said and sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'll have panic attacks, because I feel like we'll never accomplish all the friend activities we have planned. It's crazy, I'll admit, but that's how much stock I put into this. And you KNOW that I'm not exaggerating, because I've even texted you when I had a mental breakdown and you told me I was worried for nothing.

When I feel like I'm being made a fool for getting excited about something, I get upset. When I feel like my friendship is being taken for granted, I get mad. When I feel like my words go in one ear and out the other, I get irate.

I know that if this EVER comes up in normal conversation, I'll have to hold myself back, because I care. way. too. much. I hate that the feeling isn't mutual. I hate feeling like that's the case.

I can't decide if you're oblivious, a genuine idiot, insensitive, or an asshole for assuming I'd just be okay with this.

Either way, it's little things like this that are really aggravating me and this has just been a brewing maelstrom. 

Something's gotta give and it's not going to be me.

too long to read but it had to be typed

(So today in Mental, my teacher talked about how therapeutic writing letters are when you have no intention of having the person in question read it... I'm sure nobody would want to read it, but you know what, fuck it. It's my letter - it's gonna be what's on my mind and that's not always the most positive or interesting of things, so just a warning)

Dear You,

How are you?

Want to hear something that's silly? Sometimes, I wish we were still friends, if only because you knew me better than anyone. It's kind of funny how you managed to do that when you didn't know me at all. I mean, I never really let you know me completely. I wasn't ever consistent and maybe I'm not in reality, but sometimes things would bother me and other times they wouldn't, a concept that we both practiced and neither of us understood. It's kind of funny how our problems boil down to not knowing each other as much as we thought we did. It's funny how we never knew that.

I can't decide if I was myself around you or what I thought I had to be. It's really difficult to tell. Sometimes, I wish I could re-watch everything happen - purely for scientific reasons and it'd give me peace of mind. It's funny how I was all gun-ho about getting closure for us and I'm the one with the least closure. I think it's because you didn't need closure, which I think is bizarre, but then again, maybe it's not. Maybe you didn't like me as much as you said you did, which would explain the times where you displayed actions that didn't match up with your words.

My Mental teacher talked about how we all have instincts, but as we grow older, we ignore them, because we end up trusting what people say to be true, especially when it comes to proclamations of love. I've always been a hopeless romantic; I should have been more aware that it would lead to a situation like this. There were times in the relationship, obvious ones, where I had the fight-or-flight instinct kick in where I just wanted to run away. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened differently if I ran sooner.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I ran when I first had that instinct. We started dating in the summer, remember that? The awkward first date for the awkward couple. I look back on that so fondly. Despite how tumultuous our relationship was, I still cherish that day. In fact, I cherish that whole first month of dating, because it was truly my twitterpated moment. Everything was new; I had no experience and I had no idea what I was doing. You were my first date, first kiss, first time riding in the car with a boy by myself. I was completely set up for the fall. Our date was simple enough, but not nearly simple enough to be free of awkward. I accidentally got charged for two movie tickets, because I got tongue-tied at the box office. I bought tickets for the wrong time for the movie, so we had to wait longer, standing awkwardly in the lobby. I'd never gone to the movies and hung out afterwards, so when you suggested we do that, I was at a loss of what normal people do. We walked around Bell Tower shops and went to Moe's for dinner.

Want to hear something really funny? I still have my Moe's cup. I kept the damn cup I drank out of that you refilled. I kept it even after all of this. A cup I used in summer 2008.

It was like you knew exactly what to say, while also being awkward at the same time. Then the night we first kissed - when I took you to my precious summer camp, the place where I've had so many fun summer memories when I went there. We looked at the stars together as we sat on the empty bleachers and you chased me around the baseball fields, tickling me, and when you finally caught me, you whispered in my ears asking me what I wished for and I managed to run away, only to have you catch me again. You had me cornered between you and a fence and you just looked at me and you asked me what I wished for again. I looked at you and told you that if I said, then it wouldn't come true, but that I thought you had a good idea of what it was. You grabbed my hands and held them behind my back as you leaned in saying, "I think I do." And that was it. I mean, stars, bouts of tickling, whispering in my ear, kissing me like that... what else was a girl supposed to do?

But that's just one of many happy memories, memories I wouldn't trade for anything. Not many people can say their first kiss was a great one, but it was. It was both our first kisses (or so you said. I believe you, if only because if I didn't, I might have a mental breakdown, because it meant so much that we were each other's firsts for so many things).

I'm not here to talk about our good times though, because you know those, whether you remember them as vividly or often as I do, or if you just ignore them.

I should have ran when we went to the Homecoming football game, when we spent most of the game separated and spending time with our own friends. You came over to see me and I stood in between you and Kyle - in all the excitement of being with my friends and you, I accidentally grabbed Kyle's hand instead of yours, because you always stood on my left and in this instance you were on my right. So, I quickly grabbed your hand and you hadn't even noticed. I felt guilty, so I told you what happened while we were leaving the game and you exploded at me. Not even an exaggeration, because your reaction not only took me aback, but also left me speechless. You told me to fuck off and you proceeded to storm off to the car, when you had given me a ride to the game. I chased after you, saying that I was sorry, but it didn't matter to you. When I caught up to you, I grabbed your arm, and the expression you had on your face looked like you thought of me as the worst human being on the planet.

That's when I should have left. I mean, true, you could say that I did something wrong, but it was not THAT wrong. It wasn't wrong enough to warrant that kind of a reaction or to treat me like I wasn't even worth talking to. Because let's face it, you did that a lot. Mostly whenever it involved Kyle, but oftentimes I wouldn't even have to do anything for you to tip over the edge of sanity like that - I merely had to be in the same room as him. It went from just him to spreading to everyone else regardless of gender. That's another moment I should have left.

All these windows of opportunity and I never took them. Why? Because I ignored my instinct. Because I thought you really loved me. Because I thought you loved me so much that you wanted me for yourself and that your reactions were status quo for relationships. Maybe because I thought you could change. Maybe because I hoped it was a phase. Maybe I thought I could change myself enough that you wouldn't be that person anymore. I remember we used to call that side Evil Dick, because that's what you were: a complete jerk.

It escalated, as abusive relationships often do. Berating me in private wasn't enough, so it progressed to hurting me physically. For lack of a better word, bashing my head into the car window, choking me, grabbing my arm despite me trying to pull away. Hurting me psychologically, because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone, a problem I had even after you stopped being a massive jerk. Being a hypocrite about how I couldn't even have male friendships, but you left me when I was crying during play practice to go talk and joke with Maureen.

I tried so hard during the relationship to look past the bullshit to see why I really stayed, because I liked all of the good times and I didn't want to lose you. But damn. It messed me up so much that for awhile I couldn't even talk to Maureen without being jealous of her, something that I still have to talk myself out of, because I don't have a "reason" to anymore. Because it wasn't Maureen's fault, it was yours.

I just wish I could know if you ever at any point in the relationship truly loved me. Is that wrong? Not like it would erase anything that happened, but I'd just really like to know. I want to know what kind of person can look into a girl's eyes and tell her that he loves her when he hits her, cusses at her, isolates her from everyone she used to talk to... I want to know if you were really that kind of person or if you just directed your anger in all the wrong reasons.

I want to know what makes a person think it's okay to ball up a shirt and shove it up a girl's vagina, because you worried that you came inside of her. I want to know what person does that with such force that the girl falls from the bed, ugly crying her face off, in a crumpled heap on the floor. More importantly, I want to know what kind of person would even WEAR that shirt after the fact... washed or not. What kind of sick asshole would do that to someone they claim to love? It's no wonder we had so many problems. I couldn't rationalize the words with the behavior, so there was a constant divide between reality and fantasy. I wanted to believe that you loved me and that all this rage was just you not knowing where to properly direct that in an adult manner.

I want to know why you ever made me feel like it was my fault for crying or my fault for reacting when you'd get upset like that. You'd tell me that you were just trying to express yourself, because you're always so busy making me feel better about myself that you never get the chance to just vent.

I remember one day just physically yelling at you in the rock lot after play practice one day, a play practice in which you treated me like shit, and I just stood my ground and said no. I was yelling and crying and it was like you finally heard me and I really thought everything would be okay, because you seemed like you were sorry. That wasn't the end of it though.

Soon came the debacle that was any and all of the cast parties during senior year, which I cried at all of them. Soon came the whole t-shirt sex incident in March. Soon came the whole pushing me down in the rock lot in front of people who worked at school, having Stejskal and LT lecture us in separate rooms trying to figure out what happened. You asked me prior to lie and say that the reason you pushed me down was because I threatened to kill myself and you were worried that I would. And do you know what I fucking did? Well, of course you do. I lied to help you out so you wouldn't look like the bad guy.

I had to deal with Stejskal looking at me with such a pitiful expression on his face. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels knowing it probably wasn't just him watching over me like that, because of that incident? All because I didn't want you to get in trouble, because I was scared we'd be forced to break up. Remember when that used to be the end of the world?

Remember what made us break up? Remember what the tipping point was? You had lied for almost 2.5 years about something that wasn't even that big of a deal. You lied about whether or not you liked someone before me. Not only did I ask you before we started dating, but randomly afterwards, because I thought it was so fucking bizarre that there wasn't ANYONE you liked before me. And then you just randomly discover this, after 2.5 years of dating, after 2.5 years of me asking if you were sure. Cherry on the ice cream was the fact that after 2.5 years of dating, you didn't even know my phone number.

It's really sad that when it comes to happy memories, a lot of them are clouded by this bullshit. The bullshit that could have all been avoided if I just listened to my instincts. This doesn't even begin to cut it when it came to what you put me through. I admit that I wasn't a bed of roses either, but at least I didn't make you lie to faculty for me or assault you or physically, emotionally, or mentally abuse you.

I'm constantly torn between wanting to completely forget you and wanting to hold onto the memories so I know what I don't want. I've kept all the Facebook messages you sent me, which are a lot, many of which are full of spite and anger.

I can't help but wonder if your current girlfriend knows. I hope she does. Maybe you're not that person anymore, but to pretend you've always been this great guy physically disgusts me. To know that you're happy right now is revolting to me. I'm not sure when that feeling will completely go away. I hate that feeling, because it's almost like it's holding me back. I'm not sure how to become okay with all these memories I have. I'm not sure if time alone will heal that. I'm scared it won't, that I'm just going to be perpetually in this state of bitterness.

I feel jaded, like love just walked into the room and slapped me across the face and told me that everything I ever hoped for or wanted is a lie, that my standards won't ever be met, and my standards aren't even exceptionally high.

I don't want you back. That I know with certainty, but I can't even appreciate what crock of a relationship I have now, because I unconsciously compare you two. I barely spend time with Blayn, whereas I spent all my time with you. I feel lonely in both cases, because Blayn won't try to invite me to hang out and he doesn't text me. I remember looking forward to sleep, because I didn't have to text you for those brief hours.

Despite all of this, I miss your friendship. Isn't that the biggest hypocrisy/joke/irony ever? I miss the friendship of the boy who singlehandedly ruined many aspect of my life, aspects that haven't even completely corrected themselves. Out of all of my high school friendships, many I held near and dear to my heart dropped me. I sat alone at lunch; I sat alone in church. The only time my friends ever acknowledged me was during class, but if I tried approaching them after school, I'd often get ignored or skipped over. I don't hate being alone. I hate being alone when the people I loved so much just decided I wasn't worth the effort, without even asking me if everything was okay with my relationship with you. The only one that ever said anything about it was Julia and that was just because she didn't have someone to bitch at. Look at how replaceable I was. Even with you, look how easily and quickly I was replaced by someone older, more fit, and more experienced than I am.

I hate feeling like I'm replaceable. I don't mind being alone. I just hate having my existence completely ignored or just not important anymore. I hate knowing I called those people my friends when they really weren't, when they were only friends with me when I fully dedicated my time to them.

You want to know something funny that you never quite understood. I only talked to my friends during school hours or when I was on campus. My friendships never extended to after hours or on the weekends. The only people that would want to hang out with me was Julia or Lori, both of which I'd have to tag along and be the third wheel to all of their dates, because they'd lie to their parents about who they were with. I can't tell you how many movies I've been to where I had one of them making out with their boyfriend while I was right there. None of my friends asked me to hang out. I'd only ever get invited to "parties" and even then, it was almost as if I was expected not to show up. I don't know if that was because I seemed like the sort of person who wouldn't attend non-alcoholic parties, but I often felt like my existence was something very much transient.

That I only appeared when it convenienced someone or because I would fill the role nobody would want, like Julia's ear. I still hold onto those feelings even today and maybe that's just always been a core part of me: this transient being. I guess that makes me duplicitous, because I want people to like me. I want people to be unable to replace me. I don't want to be replaced again. I don't want to deal with the loneliness and emptiness that accompanies that realization. I felt truly alone and lifeless that first month we broke up and I was the one to end the relationship. I lied to my parents, saying that I'd go out when they were at work, when I'd just sit at home vegetating. I wouldn't eat unless my parents ate with me, because I always had you to eat with me. I had no friends to call up and ask if they wanted to hang out. I was scared to start college again. I contemplated not going. I had given up the only friend I had, a best friend, and the only boyfriend I had ever had. I didn't make friends during my freshmen or sophomore year. Who would I talk to?

I remember crying in front of my parents at the mention of your name and how I couldn't even answer simple questions, such as "why are you so upset?" I couldn't handle it.

Everything changed once it became January though. It was akin to the phoenix rising up from the ashes and it was like I was this new person. I made new friends, regained a couple old friendships, assimilated back into my family dynamic and became happy.

I'm still happy. I have the two best friends anyone could ask for, even if I may have problems with them, problems I wouldn't express given my friendship issues above. I have the most understanding family ever. They make me laugh and make me feel loved. I have close friendships and I've made friendships I never would have had if I had stayed in that relationship.

But you know what, I still wish I had you in my life. Maybe that's because I lost my virginity to you (which, sorry to say, I regret doing even that, because now I'd have to cross another hurdle I'm not comfortable with, because I always said I only wanted to have sex with one person and now... well, it should be obvious that it won't be the case). I just miss talking to you, because you were the first person I had a truly dorky conversation with and the first one that I really opened up to about my anime obsession.

I hate that my little cousins keep asking where you are during the holidays and having to tell them that you're not coming, because I don't know how else to explain it.

I think I wouldn't have this bitter feeling towards you or your girlfriend's happiness if I actually felt comfortable sharing this with you and knowing you'd read it, rather than skim over it. I mean, you did live it once, so I guess you wouldn't have to read it. But the first step in communication is actually listening to each other. Ting. I miss our inside jokes. I miss the us that was normal, which was when we were simply friends with each other. When we weren't bickering or fighting each other, we really were best friends and I miss that so much. I'm regaining that feeling of friendship through Ashley and Tito, but of course, it's going to be different. Of course, I'm scared, because there's nothing keeping them here. They aren't dating me, so they don't have to feel obligated to be there for me. They're dating other people and then I have that to worry unnecessarily over, because my relationship pales in comparison and maybe they'll do to me what I unwillingly did to them, which was basically stop being around. I don't think I'll be happy in a relationship like I used to be. I don't know if that's possible.

I wish I could have been more honest with you from the beginning. Maybe I wouldn't be so stunted now. Maybe everything could have been different if I stood up for myself that Homecoming football night. Maybe all of this could have been avoided if I had been my own sassy gay best friend.

All I know is that I miss you. There. I said it. It's out there on the internet. I miss knowing I didn't have a wall up with you, when serious conversations were easier. Note that I didn't say easy, because I'm no good at seriousness.

Your friendship is something that's not easily replaced and I mean that... even if you were a massive jerkface and even if I can't get over how you treated me, I still miss you just the same and I can't tell if that makes me the stronger person or the weaker. I just feel like if I sat with you and really talked to you, talked until all of this was put to rest and done with, that I'd be better for it. Not like a quick sweep under the rug, but a complete fix, where I'd either never talk to you again or we'd just be acquaintances at best.

I wish those were viable options, but I'm too scared to ask, too scared to encroach when I've already encroached enough... when I promised I wouldn't be the one to ask if I could see you, because the last time I did, you acted like a disinterested asshat and that hurt my feelings more than it should have.

And so concludes this mammoth of a letter at 1:33am when I should be sleeping or doing homework or doing anything but reminiscing over this. Scumbag brain made me want to write this out in hopes it'd make me feel better, but I think the opposite occurred, because I know there's no point and that this won't solve or help anything.

- Jessica

Just because

In my last relationship, while there were some good times, there are still some that stand out in my mind, which of course, are the not-so-good memories.

For instance, we would make mix CDs and put together songs that remind us of the other person. I made the first one for him and it was songs that we had heard all the times we hung out and while we dated for a few months - sentimental, right? Not many people can say they remembered what songs played in the movie theater before the movie when you weren't even dating yet... that's how crazy I was about THAT relationship.

Well, he'd try to do the same, but instead of being sweet and sentimental like I was, he would pick songs that he liked without really listening to the lyrics. Then he would play the song and just be like, "this song reminds me of you," and it would legitimately upset me, because they weren't the sort of songs you'd want to be applied to you when you're in a relationship.

Example: "All of This" by Blink-182

Nothing about this song is positive. I could understand if he had been dating someone while talking to me, but he wasn't. I guess I should have realized that would be what set the tone for the relationship, because a majority of the songs he picked for me were the sort of love that's twisted and, for a lack of better word, unhealthy.

I don't want to act all arrogant, but I honestly feel like the CDs I gave him were so much more quality, because I meant what I put on them. I actually learned all the lyrics to the songs I picked - sometimes they weren't even songs I knew, but I picked them, because I knew he'd like them - and I'd sing them to him.

Not to say that he didn't give anything in the relationship as far as feelings goes, but looking back, I just feel like I did more than he did. That is also due to extraneous circumstances that occurred in the relationship and how I look at that, because I'm sure he has a VERY different opinion.

I would love to know if he ever acknowledges that or if it's like a "whatever" situation. Not like it matters, but if he has regretful feelings towards it, I'd at least know he wouldn't do that sort of thing with any of his future conquests.

It's just really sad to think that everything that was sad isn't true or that the other person didn't mean it when they made those promises or said those words. I know feelings change - I get that. But there's just something so unbelievably tragic about it. That not only are we just this infinitesimal speck on the universal scale, but then someone comes into your life, makes you feel like you're larger than life, just to leave and completely forget about you, basically leaving you as an even smaller speck than you felt before all that.

Ignorance is bliss, but I guess everyone has to have some sort of horrible life experience to push them to have higher standards/aspire for something greater. It'd just be nice if my heart, mind, and body didn't have to get involved... especially not all at once like that.

Positive Note: I was truly a host in another life, because in relationships, I definitely get the most enjoyment making the other person feel appreciated and loved :)