It's really scary how you can wake up and go about your day and then get hit with the memory of what you dreamed about that night, especially when you didn't remember when you woke up. In fact, you don't even remember waking up. It was like all of a sudden your eyes just shot open and you couldn't figure out why or how that happened.

But remembering that ONE piece of the dream, remembering how you looked as you said it (an expression of such pain and agony to match how you felt inside), remembering exactly how hurt you felt to say it (as if someone was actually clutching your heart in your chest), remembering how you felt like cowering down in order to protect your heart, remembering how you screamed it (as if your life depended on it), remembering how it felt like your throat was dry and closed off and you couldn't breathe but you said it anyway because you couldn't live with it bottled inside anymore.

Not remembering why you said it, or in what context, or to who, though you could guess, given the scenario that even triggered the memory.

Knowing it couldn't be because of anything you've read lately, because you physically can't read something like that.

Not being able to talk about it because, why would you? Why should you?

Wondering if the dry closed feeling you had in that moment is some sort of symbolism for the fact you can't talk about it in real life. Wondering if maybe, just maybe, there's some merit to what you said. Wondering what that means for the future. Wondering if it means anything. Wondering if it will always mean something.

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I'm trying really hard not to remember it, so hopefully this helps.

Even though I'm not really in the mood that I was in, I figure it doesn't hurt to write about it, since I clearly thought about it enough to get in a mood in the first place.

So, I went and saw About Last Night today (the 16th) & it was funny and cute and sad, as every romcom is and will ever be so long as romcoms exist.

And it made me think of what it means to know when you have the right person or not.

Like, you could have something incredibly amazing with someone, but your interests fizzle out and you just become a boring person, and it's like you lose yourself in the relationship.

You could have something horribly unhealthy with someone, but it works for you and both of you legitimately enjoy yourselves with the situation you have.

You could have something and see what someone else has and be like, "well, why don't I have that?" and when you actually get what that someone else had, it's not nearly as great as you thought it would be and you realize how great you had it before.

It's like being afraid to try something new because what you had might have been the best thing you'll get.

And there's the uncertainty that comes with making decisions like that.

Like, did I really make the right decision? Is this really what I wanted? Really and truly?

And then in a split second, you get your answer.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's simple. You KNOW the answer is always yes.

But somewhere the little no exists.

The little no that ruins things and makes you wonder if it was all just a horrible case of "right person, wrong time," as if things could have been possibly different in another universe.

And maybe things are and maybe things didn't happen the way they did here, but that's there and this is here and this is the reality you have.

And I got to thinking (a dangerous pasttime, I know~)

I've been that person who calls their ex, because of whatever - be it loneliness or some other excuse, but mostly loneliness and feeling like I needed validation for my decision.

Not a day goes by where I'm not disgusted by that - where I wish I hadn't, because I only ever left feeling either worse or angry or both. I never knew what it was I actually wanted or expected and why should I have ever wanted or expected anything from someone who would do the things he did. I'm not really sure, to be honest.

And then I wondered if he got some sick enjoyment from seeing me fall the way I would when I'd reach out to him, the one I left.

How even after the relationship had long been over, he was still the one who had the power/control - how even still that's the case and it's been years and I can pretend that's not the case, but look where I am and look where he is - in a relationship (whether it's a happy one or not, I'm not sure, but still), one that's lasted for at least a year, and I can't even find someone I'm willing to take a leap of faith with and I still hold my breath whenever I see someone driving his car and I still look to see if it's him or not.

Still.

And even though seeing him is the LAST thing I want to do, I still look for him.

Like how absolutely fucked up is that?

The guy who drove the stake in between me, my friends, and my family. The guy who offered ultimatums, but always said it was my decision, as if to separate himself from the blame. The guy who hurt me in ways he'd never want his sister or his daughter or his mom to be hurt. But it was my fault he felt that way, because I cried and me crying made every situation instantly about me. The guy whose name is less talked about than Voldemort's. The guy who had his own ideas of who I was and judged me forever for it. The guy who made me lie, just so he wouldn't get in trouble/found out that he wasn't a great guy. The guy who I don't even feel 100% comfortable bashing, because I can't help but remember good things with every bad thing.

The guy who walked like 2 miles with me in the pouring rain so I wouldn't get in trouble. The guy who Makoto'd before I even KNEW what that was. The guy who Makoto'd so hard, that when I think of what my favorite picture I've ever taken - it's the one where he's smiling at me like that and the sun is setting behind him and I can recreate the picture so vividly in my head even though I haven't seen it in over 2 years. The guy who enjoyed doing nothing as long as I was there to enjoy the nothing with him. The guy who let me laugh at his expense and had a funny laugh. The guy who I could have sex with and laugh during it and it wasn't the end of the world. The guy who dreamed of a future involving me in it. The guy who kept everything I'd ever given him, because he cherished it.

The negatives hurt so much and seeing him happy is the most conflicting emotion I'll ever have, because I'm so upset he found happiness in the romantic love department and I haven't, but yet I'm kinda happy for him, because he was the one who got left behind and isn't it mature to feel happy when your exes get some semblance of happiness? But who cares about being mature when I'm still here and I never feel as heavy as I do when I try to imagine my future with some guy.

Like will I ever actually find a guy who not only wants to take a chance on me, but will appreciate me in the way I'd want to be appreciated? Can I be happy knowing I may not get romantic love for YEARS if ever?

I just remember ever single promise I ever made to him and I'm so mad that I kept them even after all this time, because I haven't been with anyone else. I can't even let myself be. Every time I just think, 'I need to just do this' as if I need to prove there's no feelings anymore, but how can I when THAT'S even a train of thought to begin with.

It's just horrible and messy and I never talk about it, because what's the point? It changes nothing. I could write about this for the rest of my life, but the feelings never leave. They just air out a bit and then go right back where they were. It's like I'm so bogged down by everything that's been, but everything that is is lifting me up, but I can't fly. I want to, but I can't. And I don't even have the key to change that. I'm just there. I've done what I can - or at least, I feel like I have.

But it's not enough. I hate that everything's a competition for me. Like my life can't possibly be as good as his, because he has someone who loves him (?) and he loves her (?) and there's nothing like being romantically loved by someone. Yes, I have the love and friendship of Ashley, who has been the absolute best friend ANYONE could ever ask for and I'll never know what I did to secure such an amazing friendship, and there are days where I feel like I've won, simply because I know her and she's in my life.

And something happens and I want to text her immediately about it, but I think, 'I should wait. I don't want to bother her,' which is  the SILLIEST  thing, because I don't think I could bother her even if I tried and even if I KNOW that, it's still a thought, because unlike a relationship, she doesn't HAVE to be interested in what I think or like or listen to whatever or respond to whatever. That's just the nature of friendships - there's no expectations, because the investment you give to a friendship isn't some pre-determined thing like romantic love is and there are days where I rejoice when I don't have to go home and feel obligated to deal with a boyfriend when I'm exhausted.

I never have to feel guilty or apologize to a guy when I'm not in the mood to talk to him or see him, which is basically before I go to work, after I get off of work, and during my free time, so basically every minute of the day.

But at the same time, I want the luxury of coming home to a Makoto who thinks only the world of me and who would never hurt me and understands the importance of family and friends.

I just wish things could be different.

The thought that I've ever made him feel like hot shit for breaking down at midnight to text him sickens me to the core. The thought that I've ever asked to see him after getting my stuff back from him. The fact I still use his computer mouse. The fact I can't actually bring myself to throw away STUPID shit that shouldn't mean anything anymore.

I'm just done.

I'm not even in a bad mood anymore, but all this is just festering always.

It just gets pushed to the back of my mind, because other things happen and it's like I need to stay busy to avoid thinking of it and it usually works, except when I'm forced to deal with it and forced to see my family either tiptoe around the topic or completely steamroll through it.

It shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does, and I hate that about myself. I'd turn that part of me off in a heartbeat if I could. I'd sleep with a random guy just to get past this feeling like I can't. There's a lot of things I wish I could do, but I just can't, Nemo.