I think one of my biggest fears is not the fact that I may never find someone who loves me the way I'd want to be loved, but the realization that I might be okay without ever finding that to begin with.

I've seen the Makoto stare before. It's been directed at me quite a few times, but there's always something wrong with the person who's giving the look.

I'm scared that realizing I'm okay on my own may just be me giving up on ever finding it - the feeling of being someone's perfect someone, not because you're perfect, but because you're you. To have someone love all the tiny imperfections, because they create something beautiful. I'd like to think I'm beautifully flawed. I'd like to think everyone is.

I'd like to think that someday there will be someone who understands my need to give, give, give, and my inability to take. To have a guy understand and appreciate my quirks would be great - more than I could ever ask for, honestly.

My inability to be outright mean to anyone, my inability to not help someone who needs help even when I'm in need of help - I practically have a martyr complex. It's not something easily understood or appreciated.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve the kindness that's been given to me, because I've done terrible things I wish I could take back. But at the same time, if I hadn't done those things like turning my back on my friends, I never would have found out who my real friends are.

I'd like to think that someday I could find a guy who would listen to these conflicting feelings I have and acknowledge that I can feel this way and that it doesn't make me a horrible person or someone fishing for compliments/praise/love.

Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed with the love I have in my life just from my family and Ashley and I just want to scream, "I have all this love that I want to share too! I want people to feel this loved and happy! I want to love someone so much that they can't help but love themselves!"

But that's not completely what I want. I won't be satisfied just loving someone to the nth degree. I need him to love me too. I need him to love me more than I love him, which should be impossible, but he'll try. I want a guy who's willing to try - in every aspect, because he's fighting a battle already lost and the odds aren't in his favor.

I'd like to think I'll experience the Makoto look again, but when I think of my options, I realize that it's not really in the cards for me and I'm not sure when it could ever be.

But I need a guy who's willing to try, even when I have this mentality.

And I don't mean a guy who doesn't know me at all who's blindly pursuing me. I mean the guy with the emotional maturity to understand me just by seeing me interact with people. And that's asking for a lot, because it's not realistic and it's contradictory, which totally makes sense. It's contradictory in the fact that I want someone to understand me by seeing me through whatever lens he's seeing me, which may or may not be correct, but I don't want him to pursue me and expect me to fall all over myself because he's interested. It's unrealistic because how can a person know who I am just by seeing me talk to people I care about or even people I don't know.

I just love the idea of a guy enjoying the fact that I nod my head when talking on the phone as if the person I'm talking to could see me, among so many other little things that make me me.

I just have so much love to give!

I'm really afraid I'll become complacent and lose that part of me. I know the fear will make it so I don't lose hope, but I can't help but feel weird as so many people I know are either in relationships or getting married or having babies, while I'm stuck in limbo, reminiscing when the Makoto stare was directed at me and the happy feelings associated with the look that says "you're the most precious/beautiful thing I've ever seen and no words can ever say what you mean to me and I don't want to lose this feeling because it will have meant I lost you".

I'm just such a romantic. I really need to stop and breathe.

My time will come.

It will happen.

Maybe someday.