I don't miss you; I miss the thought of you.
I miss the knowledge of security, knowing that I always had someone who cared enough to listen to my problems when I had them, knowing that you were only ever a few minutes away if I was ever in trouble, whether it was a mental problem or a physical one.
I miss the positives, like cuddling and kisses. Maybe I am a selfish person, but you know what? I wish we did these simple things more often. It's only now, looking back, that I realized we didn't do this nearly enough. Maybe that's where everything took a turn for the worse and we started fighting more often, my stress started getting to me, and we began to fall apart. I remember walking around with you and not having a desire to hold your hand at all times when I used to thrive on that, when we'd have to stop just because our hands would get all clammy and sweaty.
We stopped cuddling when we watched movies and I remember how upset you were about that. I never understood. I didn't see the big deal, but now that I'm reading more manga, granted it's not all appropriate or something society would look favorably on, so maybe I shouldn't base real life relationships on it, but because I'm reading, I can see for myself what relationships are really about. It's not about accomplishing a million things in one day, like I always seemed to make it. It's not about catching the before noon movie, just so we could save a few dollars on ticket price. It's not about being right or doing the things that I'm comfortable with. It's about being satisfied with the menial day-to-day, how just laying on the couch together cuddling takes the worries away.
I wish I knew that. More than that, I wish you had been the one to break it off. I feel like I'm the only one in the wrong and I would love to be able to pinpoint some blame on you.
I mean, I can, but then I have to take into account how I may have blown up the situation. For instance, you did lie, whether or not you feel the lie is worth it or not, but it held a lot of weight. Not necessarily what you said but how long it took you to say what I always knew.. You told me for 2.5 years that I had no idea what I was talking about, that I was insecure for even thinking what I did. I don't think you could possibly know how broken I was because of it when you finally admitted to it. I don't think you even knew that it was so bad that I sat on the couch, even when my dad was home, just crying, because I couldn't handle it. My dad sat there, not knowing what to do or what to say to calm me down. I had to solve it for myself and he knew that was something he could not help me with, no matter how badly I may have needed it.
Other than that lie & the bullshit that comprised our beginnings, you did nothing wrong. Maybe I just need to accept that you're not the bad guy, that you weren't the bad guy for at least our last 1.5 years.
I always wanted to put the blame on you, because I didn't know how to correct myself. I still don't think I do. I'm trying to build myself up again by making mistakes and learning from them. I hope that I can be happy with the answers I find and that I'll find someone I'll want to cuddle with and kiss and hold hands with, someone who complements me rather than completes me.
I think a part of me will always love you, even though after seeing you, I can see the gap in maturity between the two of us. We're in different stages of our lives now - it's not high school where things seemed so easy, which is ironic, because us in high school was the "us" at our worst. I told you countless of times that I hated my senior year. I will always prefer junior year, because I was the happiest then; I had you, my friends, my family, my hobbies.
Having you as a boyfriend definitely changed my life, because I got to learn what was so great about relationships. I could only look at my friends and wonder why they got so hung up on their shitty exes and now I know why. Even if the ex was a complete douchebag, there was always some silver lining that brightened everything. For me, it was around this time.. when we kissed, that whole night was my guiding light that shone even when the abuse started, even when it got so bad we were sent to Stejskal's office because people driving through Verot saw us, even when my parents disapproved... all of it was worth it, because I couldn't forget how you made me feel that night, like I was weightless and all that was holding me to the earth was you and how warm your grasp was, how time slowed down and every second felt like an eternity yet the night went by so fast, how we'd only stop to breathe, how it didn't matter that it was only our 3rd time hanging out with each other.
I will ALWAYS look back on that memory so fondly. You knew that I thought highly of that day, but I don't think you knew all of this. I wish I told you. I wish you could see. I wish our relationship could have withstood all of this, but looking at where I am now and where I have to go, I would have hated to drag you with me, especially when I know how much turmoil you're in about your own problems. I'm glad you found your solution through music. I wish I could hear you play without worrying over my severed heartstrings.
I need to trust.
I need to feel.
I need to be open.
I'm working on this; I get hurt every single day, whether it's through being ignored or through feeling like the bad guy for pointing out the blunt truth. I wonder if I'm doing this right, if I'm molding myself to be a healthy human being or if I'm just becoming what I think I should be. I don't know who to ask or who can help me, but I hope that I might find someone who sees my insecurities and flaws and finds them irresistibly beautiful, even if I could use a little work. Someone who inspires me to better myself, not because I feel that I HAVE to otherwise I'll lose you, but because I posses the willpower to strive to always want to be a better me. Someone who not only inspires me, but who I also inspire. Someone who sees reality and envisions it in a new light.
I don't think that's asking for too much, but then again, I've been wrong before.
I miss the knowledge of security, knowing that I always had someone who cared enough to listen to my problems when I had them, knowing that you were only ever a few minutes away if I was ever in trouble, whether it was a mental problem or a physical one.
I miss the positives, like cuddling and kisses. Maybe I am a selfish person, but you know what? I wish we did these simple things more often. It's only now, looking back, that I realized we didn't do this nearly enough. Maybe that's where everything took a turn for the worse and we started fighting more often, my stress started getting to me, and we began to fall apart. I remember walking around with you and not having a desire to hold your hand at all times when I used to thrive on that, when we'd have to stop just because our hands would get all clammy and sweaty.
We stopped cuddling when we watched movies and I remember how upset you were about that. I never understood. I didn't see the big deal, but now that I'm reading more manga, granted it's not all appropriate or something society would look favorably on, so maybe I shouldn't base real life relationships on it, but because I'm reading, I can see for myself what relationships are really about. It's not about accomplishing a million things in one day, like I always seemed to make it. It's not about catching the before noon movie, just so we could save a few dollars on ticket price. It's not about being right or doing the things that I'm comfortable with. It's about being satisfied with the menial day-to-day, how just laying on the couch together cuddling takes the worries away.
I wish I knew that. More than that, I wish you had been the one to break it off. I feel like I'm the only one in the wrong and I would love to be able to pinpoint some blame on you.
I mean, I can, but then I have to take into account how I may have blown up the situation. For instance, you did lie, whether or not you feel the lie is worth it or not, but it held a lot of weight. Not necessarily what you said but how long it took you to say what I always knew.. You told me for 2.5 years that I had no idea what I was talking about, that I was insecure for even thinking what I did. I don't think you could possibly know how broken I was because of it when you finally admitted to it. I don't think you even knew that it was so bad that I sat on the couch, even when my dad was home, just crying, because I couldn't handle it. My dad sat there, not knowing what to do or what to say to calm me down. I had to solve it for myself and he knew that was something he could not help me with, no matter how badly I may have needed it.
Other than that lie & the bullshit that comprised our beginnings, you did nothing wrong. Maybe I just need to accept that you're not the bad guy, that you weren't the bad guy for at least our last 1.5 years.
I always wanted to put the blame on you, because I didn't know how to correct myself. I still don't think I do. I'm trying to build myself up again by making mistakes and learning from them. I hope that I can be happy with the answers I find and that I'll find someone I'll want to cuddle with and kiss and hold hands with, someone who complements me rather than completes me.
I think a part of me will always love you, even though after seeing you, I can see the gap in maturity between the two of us. We're in different stages of our lives now - it's not high school where things seemed so easy, which is ironic, because us in high school was the "us" at our worst. I told you countless of times that I hated my senior year. I will always prefer junior year, because I was the happiest then; I had you, my friends, my family, my hobbies.
Having you as a boyfriend definitely changed my life, because I got to learn what was so great about relationships. I could only look at my friends and wonder why they got so hung up on their shitty exes and now I know why. Even if the ex was a complete douchebag, there was always some silver lining that brightened everything. For me, it was around this time.. when we kissed, that whole night was my guiding light that shone even when the abuse started, even when it got so bad we were sent to Stejskal's office because people driving through Verot saw us, even when my parents disapproved... all of it was worth it, because I couldn't forget how you made me feel that night, like I was weightless and all that was holding me to the earth was you and how warm your grasp was, how time slowed down and every second felt like an eternity yet the night went by so fast, how we'd only stop to breathe, how it didn't matter that it was only our 3rd time hanging out with each other.
I will ALWAYS look back on that memory so fondly. You knew that I thought highly of that day, but I don't think you knew all of this. I wish I told you. I wish you could see. I wish our relationship could have withstood all of this, but looking at where I am now and where I have to go, I would have hated to drag you with me, especially when I know how much turmoil you're in about your own problems. I'm glad you found your solution through music. I wish I could hear you play without worrying over my severed heartstrings.
I need to trust.
I need to feel.
I need to be open.
I'm working on this; I get hurt every single day, whether it's through being ignored or through feeling like the bad guy for pointing out the blunt truth. I wonder if I'm doing this right, if I'm molding myself to be a healthy human being or if I'm just becoming what I think I should be. I don't know who to ask or who can help me, but I hope that I might find someone who sees my insecurities and flaws and finds them irresistibly beautiful, even if I could use a little work. Someone who inspires me to better myself, not because I feel that I HAVE to otherwise I'll lose you, but because I posses the willpower to strive to always want to be a better me. Someone who not only inspires me, but who I also inspire. Someone who sees reality and envisions it in a new light.
I don't think that's asking for too much, but then again, I've been wrong before.
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