I saw you today. I never know how to feel after I see you - should I be happy for you or should I just be happy that I'm doing alright in comparison to you?
I can't read you. I'll tell you all of these things about what I've been up to and you'll have a poker face. Am I the only one that gets even the slightest bit hurt when I realize, in comparison, I haven't done anything? That all of my happiness seems so trivial and meaningless when you factor how much better you seem to be doing - how else am I supposed to feel?
I like seeing you, but I feel like I have to show that I'm not, that I have to be this hell-spitting demon just to stick to my decision. I feel like every time I see you, I make it that much more difficult on the two of us. I don't know if you even really enjoy seeing me when you say you do. I don't even think you know that when I say, "I agree," to that statement, I actually mean it.
Yes, I told you that I deeply regret texting you that ill-fated sleepless night and that I hoped my phone destroyed the text message or that I dreamed it, but I don't know how to feel.
I wish I could see you just to talk to you seriously. Enough of the idle bantering conversations. Sure, I'm glad you're going to all of these concerts and finally playing your instrument again. I'm not even sure why you stopped, because I always told you that I liked you best when you were passionate about that, but that's a whole other set of worms.
Is it too much to ask that for once when I see you, I can finally apologize for everything? That all of this can finally be put to rest after 6 months of repairing just to have that crash down on two different occasions?
I'm tired of creating all of these scenarios in my mind where we finally forgive and forget, just to have days like today where it's ethereal. I checked out of the conversation and just looked at you. I had no idea what you were saying and it wasn't even because I was bored. I just couldn't believe that after 3 months of not seeing each other, we're still doing the same bullshit routine.
I look at you and wonder what I was thinking. I look at you and wonder why I couldn't handle my stress better. I look at you and wonder what life events we would have missed out on if I could have just been more forgiving. I look at you and thank God that I got out while I could. I look at you and wonder if there's ever another chance. I look at you and wonder if you even give a shit now. I look at you and think of how much you have impacted me as a person and wonder if I can ever really walk away. I look at you and wonder how much longer we're going to play the "catch-up" game. I look at you and wonder if letting you go will be my biggest regret.
I am happy now, but some days are more difficult than others. I miss you a lot sometimes. I don't have the luxury of driving aimlessly like you do - I feel like I have nowhere to go. I feel like if I went anywhere, I wouldn't be accepted.
I hate that seeing you makes me feel that way, like I have no self-worth. Maybe that's a component of what destroyed everything - I always felt like we were competing, like who had the better group of friends or who had more meaningful friendships. I felt empty unless I was with you and I know that's not healthy, but now I feel empty regardless, like a jigsaw puzzle that's missing the final piece.
In Kung Fu Panda 2, Po said, "You got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." I wish it were that simple. I wish it was something I could suppress or repress in my memories and that they would fade.
I wish I could properly thank you for everything, making me who I am, even if I wish I was who I used to be. Because of you, so many good things have happened to me, but I can't ever tell you thank you. I feel like if I did, I would be admitting that you were just a shooting comet across my night sky.
I sometimes think I over-glorify us. In fact, I know I did. For every low we had, we would have an insurmountable high point that somehow rationalized all of the crap for me. I'm not strong. I tend to romanticize the most trivial things. I over-analyze situations. I wish I didn't, but I do. It's who I am.
I feel selfish asking to see you when I have no right to even ask. You're so busy that I feel guilty for asking for that opportunity when I'll just walk away wondering what the fuck I was thinking or what I was trying to do. I'm sure you feel the same. I'm sure you wonder, especially today, why I even asked, why I can't be strong without having to drag you down with me.
I wish I could ask you what I really want to know, rather than what classes you're taking. I wish I could speak to you without worrying over whether or not I sound as stupid as I think I do. I wish things could be the way they were when conversation came easy and serious topics just flowed. It's not like I want to be a central part in your life, especially if you don't want me to be, but I'd like to be able to express to you all of these mixed up feelings I have.
I worry they would burden you. That knowing my conflicted emotions would just ruin what you've got going on. I worry we could make the same mistakes again. I think of all of those people in your life right now, the ones who helped rebuild you, and how devastated they would be if I hurt you again. What if today hurt you? What if they have to start back at square one? I think of how hurt my close friends and family would be if they knew I felt this way. I put up this blase wall because I don't like thinking about it. I made a blog just to write this shit down and hope that maybe one day, you'll actually want to read it or that maybe I'll finally be done with all of this.
That I'll finally be done holding my breath when I think I see your car, that I'll be able to listen to music without thinking of you, that my heart will stop hurting when I think of everything in the past.
I hate thinking that the only reason why I miss you is because I miss the cutesy things, like hand holding or cuddling.
I wish I knew what you were thinking and how you're feeling. I wish I was close enough to you to be able to ask without feeling like a bitch.
I wish I could formulate a single blog post so that it makes sense and isn't one garbled mess.
I wish I could send this to you.
I hope you're happy. I genuinely mean that.
I can't read you. I'll tell you all of these things about what I've been up to and you'll have a poker face. Am I the only one that gets even the slightest bit hurt when I realize, in comparison, I haven't done anything? That all of my happiness seems so trivial and meaningless when you factor how much better you seem to be doing - how else am I supposed to feel?
I like seeing you, but I feel like I have to show that I'm not, that I have to be this hell-spitting demon just to stick to my decision. I feel like every time I see you, I make it that much more difficult on the two of us. I don't know if you even really enjoy seeing me when you say you do. I don't even think you know that when I say, "I agree," to that statement, I actually mean it.
Yes, I told you that I deeply regret texting you that ill-fated sleepless night and that I hoped my phone destroyed the text message or that I dreamed it, but I don't know how to feel.
I wish I could see you just to talk to you seriously. Enough of the idle bantering conversations. Sure, I'm glad you're going to all of these concerts and finally playing your instrument again. I'm not even sure why you stopped, because I always told you that I liked you best when you were passionate about that, but that's a whole other set of worms.
Is it too much to ask that for once when I see you, I can finally apologize for everything? That all of this can finally be put to rest after 6 months of repairing just to have that crash down on two different occasions?
I'm tired of creating all of these scenarios in my mind where we finally forgive and forget, just to have days like today where it's ethereal. I checked out of the conversation and just looked at you. I had no idea what you were saying and it wasn't even because I was bored. I just couldn't believe that after 3 months of not seeing each other, we're still doing the same bullshit routine.
I look at you and wonder what I was thinking. I look at you and wonder why I couldn't handle my stress better. I look at you and wonder what life events we would have missed out on if I could have just been more forgiving. I look at you and thank God that I got out while I could. I look at you and wonder if there's ever another chance. I look at you and wonder if you even give a shit now. I look at you and think of how much you have impacted me as a person and wonder if I can ever really walk away. I look at you and wonder how much longer we're going to play the "catch-up" game. I look at you and wonder if letting you go will be my biggest regret.
I am happy now, but some days are more difficult than others. I miss you a lot sometimes. I don't have the luxury of driving aimlessly like you do - I feel like I have nowhere to go. I feel like if I went anywhere, I wouldn't be accepted.
I hate that seeing you makes me feel that way, like I have no self-worth. Maybe that's a component of what destroyed everything - I always felt like we were competing, like who had the better group of friends or who had more meaningful friendships. I felt empty unless I was with you and I know that's not healthy, but now I feel empty regardless, like a jigsaw puzzle that's missing the final piece.
In Kung Fu Panda 2, Po said, "You got to let go of the stuff from past - because it just doesn't matter! The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now." I wish it were that simple. I wish it was something I could suppress or repress in my memories and that they would fade.
I wish I could properly thank you for everything, making me who I am, even if I wish I was who I used to be. Because of you, so many good things have happened to me, but I can't ever tell you thank you. I feel like if I did, I would be admitting that you were just a shooting comet across my night sky.
I sometimes think I over-glorify us. In fact, I know I did. For every low we had, we would have an insurmountable high point that somehow rationalized all of the crap for me. I'm not strong. I tend to romanticize the most trivial things. I over-analyze situations. I wish I didn't, but I do. It's who I am.
I feel selfish asking to see you when I have no right to even ask. You're so busy that I feel guilty for asking for that opportunity when I'll just walk away wondering what the fuck I was thinking or what I was trying to do. I'm sure you feel the same. I'm sure you wonder, especially today, why I even asked, why I can't be strong without having to drag you down with me.
I wish I could ask you what I really want to know, rather than what classes you're taking. I wish I could speak to you without worrying over whether or not I sound as stupid as I think I do. I wish things could be the way they were when conversation came easy and serious topics just flowed. It's not like I want to be a central part in your life, especially if you don't want me to be, but I'd like to be able to express to you all of these mixed up feelings I have.
I worry they would burden you. That knowing my conflicted emotions would just ruin what you've got going on. I worry we could make the same mistakes again. I think of all of those people in your life right now, the ones who helped rebuild you, and how devastated they would be if I hurt you again. What if today hurt you? What if they have to start back at square one? I think of how hurt my close friends and family would be if they knew I felt this way. I put up this blase wall because I don't like thinking about it. I made a blog just to write this shit down and hope that maybe one day, you'll actually want to read it or that maybe I'll finally be done with all of this.
That I'll finally be done holding my breath when I think I see your car, that I'll be able to listen to music without thinking of you, that my heart will stop hurting when I think of everything in the past.
I hate thinking that the only reason why I miss you is because I miss the cutesy things, like hand holding or cuddling.
I wish I knew what you were thinking and how you're feeling. I wish I was close enough to you to be able to ask without feeling like a bitch.
I wish I could formulate a single blog post so that it makes sense and isn't one garbled mess.
I wish I could send this to you.
I hope you're happy. I genuinely mean that.
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