Minor Reflection

I think the reason why I feel so much regret towards the break up (if you want to call it regret.. it's just a massive pile of complicated feelings), I'd say it's because it was for a silly reason.

Yes, I had major reason to break up with you before we made it to 2.4 years. If I was going to break up with you, I should have all those times when we were hanging over the precipice.

Breaking up with you when I was feeling stressed, flustered, and irritable isn't how I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be a mutual expense.. or in the very least, over something that was completely inconceivable to forgive.

Yes, it was a spur of the moment decision, one that I made when my mind wasn't all there. Yes, I did regret it the next morning and each morning after that. Yes, my heart kind of flutters when I think I see your car (by the way, way to pick the most fucking common car in Fort Myers). Yes, I look back and wonder "what if", but it happened.

It happened and I've moved on. Not necessarily to someone, like you have, but I've moved on.

I've accepted that I can be happy with more than just one person in my life. I've accepted that I have the right to be happy. I've accepted that I will get stressed out and that dating right now isn't in my tentative plan. I've accepted that if I find someone months, years, days down the road, I will have been a better person for finally making a decision for myself without taking into consideration others.

I know I hurt you and I'm sorry for that, but it is what it is. You have a girlfriend now, who although roller skating around in what appears to be a speedo, seems like a nice person. Maybe that was the kind of person you needed, someone carefree and could act her age. I couldn't do that - at least, not to the fullest, like she probably can.

It doesn't even bother me that instead of plucking up like a man all those times I asked to hang out and telling me that you moved on, you decided to play pretend or think for one second that you could make me feel inferior.

I just dislike the circumstances, the fact I lost that friendship, the fact I don't want to get it back because that means becoming vulnerable again just to find out I wasn't that important. It's just really sad when two people who were the best of friends, who grew in the relationship by getting to know one another, falls apart like that.

So that's what I wanted to tell you.. that I'm sorry my irrational decision hurt you, but on the bright side, if I didn't do that, you might not have met this girl and I could have held you back from pursuing her when maybe all along that's what you were supposed to do.

You were a part of my life's journey and I've accepted that, the grain of salt that it is, and if I can get through that first month of depression and find myself not only gaining my losses in best friends but actually going above the count I thought I'd ever have.. maybe, just maybe, I can get completely over you too and be able to open myself up to someone new in the future.

And I'll probably be able to make it through the Nursing program as an added bonus.