bear with me, because I'm about to sound really dorky

so I just got up from the computer and the way my room is set up, my giant window is overlooking the parking lot and is facing west. My windows, for some unknown reason, are missing panels, so I can look out to the parking lot even though my blinds are drawn. Sometimes I worry about people looking in when I decide to roam around in my bra and underwear, but then I realize I don't give a shit.

BUT when I got up this time, I looked out and saw an amazing looking sunset, the kind where pictures don't do them justice; you have to experience them. That, and my camera phone is shitty and rarely takes good pictures. Trust me, I know. Some days I look awesome, but my camera phone makes me look like crap. It's weird.

When I saw the sunset, it made me really wish I had someone to share it with.

It's not the first time I thought that either. I feel like I'd be able to handle all this stress easier if I had someone to balance my crazy. I go to bed and wish I had someone to cuddle up with, especially since my dorm is -40 degrees, so I'm always freezing. Sometimes, I just want a hug or just someone's constant presence in my life. Also having a guy around for the more physical aspects of relationships would be nice too :P

But I miss the simple things of relationships - the hand holding, the dorky conversations, the cuddling, the nicknames, the comfort, the safety, the knowledge that someone thought my existence was a necessity.

I'm perfectly fine with being alone; usually it's something I'm thankful for, because sometimes the stress is too much and I'm glad I'm not burdening anyone, but then there's moments like just now that creeps up and makes me wish I would just settle... that maybe if I had any guy fill the role of what I want, I'd be happier, which is silly.

I blame shoujo manga for making me want all these little things. I love it, but at the same time it's like I'm the forever alone guy who can't decide if being alone is a good or bad thing.

I don't mind sleeping alone, but it's discomforting to think I won't meet a guy until I'm done with school, and even then, there's no guarantee he'd be my "guy". Yes, sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I freak out over the fact I might go through life without experiencing love again. This sends me spiraling into anxiety, because when I was younger, I had a mid-life crisis when I realized I couldn't pass on the Cespedes name when I got married, and now I might not even get the opportunity to marry. I'm only 20 and I'm feeling like this!!!! LOOK AT MY LIFE! I make zero sense!

I'm silly and have standards for guys that range from height and personality to the silliest of categories, such as if he likes mint chocolate chip ice cream. I have asked this question to any potential guys and it's honestly a deciding factor for me. Ever since I was little, I always said that my guy will love mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as I do. When I say "when I was little", I mean since I was 10, which is a long ass time.

I guess I should be happy that any guy would want to be with me, but I wanna be able to come home to a guy who understands my crazy, appreciates it, and finds it endearing. I don't want to put up walls or diminish how much I love certain things in fear that he'll judge me for it.

I know I'll wait until I meet that guy, but it's a long wait and at this point, it seems like a fanciful dream that I'm telling myself, so that when I become a cat lady, I'll still have hope for myself.

But who knows, maybe I'll find my cuddle monster somewhere and we can watch anime and eat mint chocolate chip ice cream together and do whatever activity makes him happiest, because I'm all about being fair :D