Dreams are trolls. You go to sleep, a pleasant activity, especially when you're exhausted, and your brain or whatever you believe causes dreams decides to surprise you in all the wrong ways.

I can't even remember it that well and I just woke up, but all I know was that he made a guest appearance and right when that happened, I woke up and just laid in bed thinking.

I remember how angry and resentful he was that I had alcoholic drinks under my parents supervision, which only happened one or two times, but in those instances it was in the most literal sense, a glass of it - 8 oz and all. Because I'm such an honest person, I even told him that I had a sip in one moment of my life without my parents there and it was like I murdered someone.

It was as if I committed some giant taboo and I remember getting really upset about your reaction. True, he had to deal with alcoholism in his family since he was born, but I wasn't his family. I just remember thinking it wasn't fair and I still don't think it is.

I'd be curious to know how many people can say they haven't drank before the age of 21 who didn't even have a sip of it prior to turning the age of. He actually told me that I drank. He honestly made it incredibly difficult to be honest, because it seemed like he judged me and judged the people I hung out with.

And then this guy on a random occasion said that had he not been dating me, that he would probably be doing drugs or something. So, it's okay to be honest about that, but not about sips... and when I say sips, I really mean one sip, because Julia told me it was cranberry juice and when I realized what it was, I stopped.

I wish I knew why a lot of the things I did upset him so much. He had so many preconceived notions of who I was, like how he thought I was a party girl. I'm pretty sure I NEVER gave off that impression in high school, but for some reason that's what he thought. So, when I tell him my alcohol stories, stories that aren't even exciting, stories that I wasn't even drunk during and stories where I didn't make any mistakes due to it, he got upset.

I guess I was a saint back then, because I stayed and he always brought it up. He always said, "Well, now you can't tell your kids not to drink, because you have." I'm sorry to say that I never agreed with that statement and I would get really upset whenever he would say that. Looking back, all I want to say is, "It's like you don't even know me," and it pains me to think that, because that was one of the main reasons I stayed, because I thought he was the one person to know me better than anyone else. In some aspects that was true, but it's really disappointing to realize looking back that every bad thing was just a red flag that I chose to ignore until I was really spiraling.

On a fluffier note, one of my friends from Nursing went drinking with this other girl in our clinical group. Yesterday she told me and Jennifer about it and about how Amanda (the friend) said she hasn't really made very many friends and how she's socially anxious. The only thing that came to my mind during that was the penguin and then I felt kind of bad. She's hours away from home & I'm pretty sure she broke up with her long-time boyfriend last week because she was out of it the entire day - that'd be enough to make me feel bad too - I mean half of that was enough! But then I realized why I don't hang out with her, despite the fact that she's cool and funny and that's because she drinks a lot and often. Like, she's gone out drinking Wednesday night, Thursday night, and she's going to go again Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - am I alone in thinking that's a tad excessive? She's 21, so it's none of my business, but I just feel like it's difficult to become friends with someone if you don't have something in common and for us, that'd be Nursing, which isn't the most fun topic.

This isn't even a fluffy note; it's just a digression.

Tl;dr - he's an asshole; I'm a social floater; Amanda is socially anxious and I don't know if I could become friends with her, because I don't partake in her activities, which makes me feel bad, because she's feeling sad and alone and I can't be bothered. Looks like I'm an asshole too!!