I don't even know why I do this to myself

Imagine my surprise, anger, paranoia and every other negative emotion that flooded me when I found out you're transferring to my college.

Not like seeing the type of car you drive enrages me and catches my eye while I drive. Kudos for picking a popular car, by the way.

I'd say I'm completely over the past, but it's still a constant nagging force due to the little things, like seeing your car on campus, even when I know it's not your car, or like seeing movies that I've seen with you. You know, stupid stuff like that. Like the fact you had never seen Harry Potter before dating me and now you claim to like it.  Or the fact you still randomly appear in my dreams - it's the shittiest feeling knowing that no matter how okay I can be with how things are, something minute like that can make me feel down.

Like this whole transferring bit, I remember talking with you about it when you didn't get accepted into FGCU immediately and how you planned on transferring here after your 2nd year. I didn't think you'd still do that after we broke up - which is yet another silly ideation, because who am I to stop you from doing what you decided.

But now I have to worry about actually seeing your car, seeing it parked near mine or even just the thought that you're going to the same school that I am again, or that you're in class while I'm in class, or worse, that I'll be walking the hallways and see you. I'm already horrible when I see people that I know and actually like - I've actually seen someone I knew and walked in a different direction, because I didn't want to talk to them and that was with acquaintances.

The last time I saw you on campus, which was approximately a month after we broke up, I wanted to punch something and I couldn't stop shaking for an hour until I met up with Austin and got my mind off of it.

And now I have to think about whether or not you'll be holding hands with your girlfriend in the hallways where we used to hold hands. It's too much.

I don't know if it's better that we have an awkward exchange of words or if it'd be better if we just ignored each other/didn't draw attention to knowing each other.

What if I see you when I'm talking to someone else? What if I don't see you, but I hear you in the hallway? That will kill me. I can still hear some of the things you'd say - mostly the negatives, but other than that, I've forgotten what you sound like when you're not cussing at me over stupid shit.

And the funniest part is I'm just worrying myself for nothing - I mean, I've been going to the same college as a bunch of people I know, but I rarely see them. I don't really have a reason to be too scared - it's a fairly decent sized campus. I guess I'm scared because my classes are in a central building, rather than the Nursing building which is by itself. 

I'm scared I'll drop my guard and then get bombarded by you and have all the bad feelings flush back. I'm scared that I'll see you talking with Travis or something and everything just gets awkward really quickly. I want to keep what's mine and what's yours completely separated - this whole intermingling thing due to you transferring is going to ruin the progress I've made.

I don't even know how I should act or react if I do see you. I don't want you to say hi to me, but I don't want you to completely ignore my existence either. Does that even make sense? It doesn't, but that's how I feel and I can't stop that.

I'm scared other people won't understand how I feel if I tell them this sort of thing. I feel like I'm not even on the same level as everyone else my age - girls who literally are in one relationship one week and then they are sleeping/seeing another guy the next week. I'm not like that - I don't know how to be. I waited a year until I "dated" again and even then, it wasn't really dating, because we didn't do anything "couple-y". I feel like I can't anymore. I mean, it doesn't help I haven't found someone I want to be couple-y with, but I don't want to get disappointed, hurt, or isolated.

I'm tired of trusting people just to end up getting hurt. I'm tired of believing what people say to be fact, only to have it change because of circumstances benefiting the other person. I'm tired of feeling like I'm undeserving of respect, but I keep getting shown signs of disrespect by people in my life and that's the worst feeling.

It sucks knowing the first person you gave a shot on didn't even respect you enough to break up with you in person, but that he did so via text message while you were on vacation. It sucks knowing that he never apologized in person or even in general for having done so.

I'm tired of having guys dick me over while I'm spending time with my family, whether it's you with your douchebag guilt whenever I spent anytime with my family or from anyone else who goes out of their way to ruin the time I share with family.

Do I just have this sign over my head that says, "Hi, you should treat me like shit, whether we're friends or more, because I deserve it?"

I want to know why I get treated so shitty when I feel like I've done nothing to deserve it. Maybe if I was some raging bitch 24/7, I could understand, but I'm not. I keep all my snide comments to myself, especially if I'm not comfortable with the person they'd be targeted to.

Is it because I seem like a nice person that people feel like they can take advantage of me without guilt or they think they can, because I'll just forgive them and wave it off and everything will be hunky dory?

Why. I really want to know. I want to know why I deserved any of that - why I was made out to feel like shit and why it was okay to make me feel that way; why it was always my fault if I started crying and how that made me a bad person because I was making it about myself.

Who even says that? Who is allowed to say that to someone they claim to love and why is it that when the relationship ends, they are the first one to find happiness with another person? Since when is that fair? Where's the equivalency in that?

And now, I have to deal with all of this and the paranoia of knowing I might have to see you in the future, the guy who knowingly dicked me over and somehow got to find someone they are happy with. The very thought makes me sick. It makes me want to run away and I know that's not a mature or rational decision.

I hate feeling like I have to be rational or mature. I hate knowing that I have to keep my emotions in check, because they're too volatile otherwise. And yes, I have the best support system a girl could ask for, but I don't want to burden them with this shit in real life. I don't want them to know that I'm not that strong - I don't want them to think negatively of me, too. I don't think I could handle that.

So, I'll take all of this in stride and put on a brave face. It's only going to be for one year and then I'll be gone. Maybe by showing that I'm okay, I really will be, because there's no other way I can deal with this. I've exhausted my pool of options - I'm not going to talk to you about it just to regain the feeling that I'm wasting your time. It hurts too much to know that I'm the only one still hurting. It hurts having movies or activities be ruined because of old memories.

Like how when we saw How To Train Your Dragon, I would make comments to you, like we always did, and the adult in front of us was texting during the movie and turned around to give a death glare, and you told me to stop talking, and when I tried to tell you that he was texting, a fact you'd only know if you were sitting in my seat, you got upset at me. How that entire movie experience and thus movie was ruined, because you put stock in a stranger rather hear my side of it. It's not like I was even talking loudly - I remember being so upset about that.

Like how you took me to see Tangled when we were fighting, despite me not wanting to see that movie when we weren't completely okay.

It just sucks. I hate it. I really do. There's nothing about this that I like. It's just one thing on top of another and I know I should only focus at the problems at my feet, but I don't even know where to begin or how to begin.

Right when I think everything is okay and great, I get shown that, no, it isn't, and I'm just tired of it.

I wish I could say all that I wanted to say to you and that maybe you could find this one day, so I wouldn't have to see you. I wish invisibility cloaks were real, because I'd send you one, so I wouldn't have to see you. 

I just wish I understood why it's okay for you to have happiness, the kind of happiness you only get from dating someone, when you've done all that you've done. I really want to know if you even feel one sliver of regret or if you were even honest with your girlfriend about how you treated me. I want to know what kind of girl would take someone like that and love them, assuming she does.

I'm not even sure if knowing any of that will even make me feel better - it probably won't, but at least it'd give me some peace of mind from the questions that have been plaguing me since you started dating someone new.