it's really frustrating to feel like the last person who probably knew me better than anyone, or at the very least was the closest to me, was my ex and he didn't deserve that much, but he got it and it's frustrating that I can't even open up or be emotionally exposed anymore without wanting to collapse in on myself and shield myself away from everything.

i can't even picture being in love anymore... at least not really. and i know that's silly and that i'm being silly, but i don't entrust my heart to people anymore. like i'll protect my heart and myself - i don't want anyone protecting me, because i don't want to feel like i'm indebted to anyone and it's so stupid and i know it's stupid, but i just can't imagine opening up completely to someone just to be left alone again.

it's all just really frustrating, because i have no reason to feel like this, but i do, and it's so stupid, and even if i have no reason, i also DO have reason to. i hate my heart and having to feel this way. it's icky icky icky. i hate it so much. a heart's a heavy burden and i just wish i could turn mine off.

nobody loves a squidward and that's what i'm being and i used to be a spongebob and i feel like i've tricked people into thinking i'm something better than i am, because i'm not a good person and it's just horrible and i would never want to ruin someone through association. i know i do have positives and that i'm not a waste of space, but i can't offer people what you'd think i could offer them.

i can't open up my heart for a guy who's just going to treat it like it's this indestructible thing when it's really just holding together with wet glue and strings of hope. i don't think i'm ever going to be ready. i want a guy who can see how weak i am, but lets me be without trying to fix me. it's not something easily fixed - if it were, i would have fixed this by myself somehow.

this entire post is horrible. so much for my streak of not posting here. oh well.