bear with me, because I'm about to sound really dorky

so I just got up from the computer and the way my room is set up, my giant window is overlooking the parking lot and is facing west. My windows, for some unknown reason, are missing panels, so I can look out to the parking lot even though my blinds are drawn. Sometimes I worry about people looking in when I decide to roam around in my bra and underwear, but then I realize I don't give a shit.

BUT when I got up this time, I looked out and saw an amazing looking sunset, the kind where pictures don't do them justice; you have to experience them. That, and my camera phone is shitty and rarely takes good pictures. Trust me, I know. Some days I look awesome, but my camera phone makes me look like crap. It's weird.

When I saw the sunset, it made me really wish I had someone to share it with.

It's not the first time I thought that either. I feel like I'd be able to handle all this stress easier if I had someone to balance my crazy. I go to bed and wish I had someone to cuddle up with, especially since my dorm is -40 degrees, so I'm always freezing. Sometimes, I just want a hug or just someone's constant presence in my life. Also having a guy around for the more physical aspects of relationships would be nice too :P

But I miss the simple things of relationships - the hand holding, the dorky conversations, the cuddling, the nicknames, the comfort, the safety, the knowledge that someone thought my existence was a necessity.

I'm perfectly fine with being alone; usually it's something I'm thankful for, because sometimes the stress is too much and I'm glad I'm not burdening anyone, but then there's moments like just now that creeps up and makes me wish I would just settle... that maybe if I had any guy fill the role of what I want, I'd be happier, which is silly.

I blame shoujo manga for making me want all these little things. I love it, but at the same time it's like I'm the forever alone guy who can't decide if being alone is a good or bad thing.

I don't mind sleeping alone, but it's discomforting to think I won't meet a guy until I'm done with school, and even then, there's no guarantee he'd be my "guy". Yes, sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I freak out over the fact I might go through life without experiencing love again. This sends me spiraling into anxiety, because when I was younger, I had a mid-life crisis when I realized I couldn't pass on the Cespedes name when I got married, and now I might not even get the opportunity to marry. I'm only 20 and I'm feeling like this!!!! LOOK AT MY LIFE! I make zero sense!

I'm silly and have standards for guys that range from height and personality to the silliest of categories, such as if he likes mint chocolate chip ice cream. I have asked this question to any potential guys and it's honestly a deciding factor for me. Ever since I was little, I always said that my guy will love mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as I do. When I say "when I was little", I mean since I was 10, which is a long ass time.

I guess I should be happy that any guy would want to be with me, but I wanna be able to come home to a guy who understands my crazy, appreciates it, and finds it endearing. I don't want to put up walls or diminish how much I love certain things in fear that he'll judge me for it.

I know I'll wait until I meet that guy, but it's a long wait and at this point, it seems like a fanciful dream that I'm telling myself, so that when I become a cat lady, I'll still have hope for myself.

But who knows, maybe I'll find my cuddle monster somewhere and we can watch anime and eat mint chocolate chip ice cream together and do whatever activity makes him happiest, because I'm all about being fair :D

aaaaaaaaand the award for worst person goes to me.

it's a culmination of things really.

I guess I'm just a flawed human being, as much as I try to put on airs that I'm perfect and as hard as I try to be.

I'm just a spoiled little kid who happens to be 20 that hasn't learned how to deal with her emotions properly because I'm never allowed to express them.. or that's how I think anyway. The moment I do express them, I do so in all the wrong ways and make the moment worse, because I lash out, then I feel embarrassed for acting that way. By the time I can rationally react, the moment has already passed and I can't talk about what's bothering me, because now it's not conducive to bring up anymore.

Sometimes, I just really hate how warped my personality is, because I'm hot-tempered, stubborn, irrational, and sensitive. It's the WORST combination to have if you want any semblance of a relationship/friendship/acquaintanceship/anything ship. I'm sure there's probably something mentally wrong with me, because I have absolutely no reason to feel the way I do. I feel "meh" like I don't care about anything, except for when I have free time. I feel lonely, like a burden, like a waste of space. I don't even know why either. Well, I know what triggered it, which as always was a culmination of little things that added up into something that I could apparently justify as "a big deal." I just don't know.

Glee isn't even on tomorrow to get me out of this funk & I have to study, because my lazy ass hasn't and this is supposed to be the hardest test for this class and I barely passed the first one.

IHML KMN OTL

I've noticed that when I'm procrastinating, I tend to dwell on things that are better left alone, such as how four years ago, I saw you for the first time and became smitten.

These sorts of thoughts randomly come and go when I'm stressed, diseased, lazy, and of course, when I'm sad.

And then sometimes I'll say something you'd used to say - thankfully I've forgotten what you sound like, but I still can imagine you saying it with a nice voice-over from me.

And I deleted some of our pictures & by some, I mean roughly half of what I had.

Even though the year hasn't ended yet and even though I've had some lows in this year, this is my favorite year in a long time. I'm so glad I got to share it with who I did and I have no regrets about this year... except maybe for how lazy I've gotten :P

going to print this out and read it whenever I feel less than myself

Ntozake Shange from "for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf"

one thing i dont need

is any more apologies

i got sorry greetin me at the front door

you can keep yrs

i dont know what to do wit em

they dont open doors

or bring the sun back

they dont make me happy

or get a morning paper

didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars

cuz a sorry

i am simply tired

of collectin

i didnt know

i was so important to you

i'm gonna haveta throw some away

i cant get to the clothes in my closet

for all the sorries

i'm gonna tack a sign to my door

leave a message by the phone

'if you called

to say yr sorry

call somebody

else

i dont use em anymore'

i let sorry/didnt meanta/& how cd i know abt that

take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn

i'm gonna do exactly what i want to

& i wont be sorry for none of it

letta sorry soothe yr soul/i'm gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent

doin something & then bein sorry

beatin my heart to death

talkin bout you sorry

well

i will not call

i'm not goin to be nice

i will raise my voice

& scream & holler

& break things & race the engine

& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face

& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers

& their ways

i will play oliver lake

loud

& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose

i was open on purpose

i still crave vulnerability & close talk

& i'm not even sorry bout you bein sorry

you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna

just dont give it to me

i cant use another sorry

next time

you should admit

you're mean/low-down/triflin/& no count straight out

steada bein sorry all the time

enjoy bein yrself

I don't know what's more depressing: having the hope that maybe you called me and left a voicemail asking to talk about anything OR the fact that when I finally got into my voicemail and listened to the 8 new messages and found out none of them were from you, my heart sank a little.

I might not ever get used to this.

Watching cliche romantic movies is certainly not helping either.

I do this to myself time and time again, but I never seem to learn to quit it.

Even though I know I need to stop, I can't seem to.

I wish I had all the answers.

I wish I knew exactly what to do to make this stop.

But I don't.

I don't think I ever will.

You know how there's a little voice in your head that tells your heart to shut the fuck up?

I AM SO GLAD I HAVE ONE AND THAT I LISTENED.

Otherwise, I would have made a fool of myself on Friday night.