it's really frustrating to feel like the last person who probably knew me better than anyone, or at the very least was the closest to me, was my ex and he didn't deserve that much, but he got it and it's frustrating that I can't even open up or be emotionally exposed anymore without wanting to collapse in on myself and shield myself away from everything.

i can't even picture being in love anymore... at least not really. and i know that's silly and that i'm being silly, but i don't entrust my heart to people anymore. like i'll protect my heart and myself - i don't want anyone protecting me, because i don't want to feel like i'm indebted to anyone and it's so stupid and i know it's stupid, but i just can't imagine opening up completely to someone just to be left alone again.

it's all just really frustrating, because i have no reason to feel like this, but i do, and it's so stupid, and even if i have no reason, i also DO have reason to. i hate my heart and having to feel this way. it's icky icky icky. i hate it so much. a heart's a heavy burden and i just wish i could turn mine off.

nobody loves a squidward and that's what i'm being and i used to be a spongebob and i feel like i've tricked people into thinking i'm something better than i am, because i'm not a good person and it's just horrible and i would never want to ruin someone through association. i know i do have positives and that i'm not a waste of space, but i can't offer people what you'd think i could offer them.

i can't open up my heart for a guy who's just going to treat it like it's this indestructible thing when it's really just holding together with wet glue and strings of hope. i don't think i'm ever going to be ready. i want a guy who can see how weak i am, but lets me be without trying to fix me. it's not something easily fixed - if it were, i would have fixed this by myself somehow.

this entire post is horrible. so much for my streak of not posting here. oh well.

It's really scary how you can wake up and go about your day and then get hit with the memory of what you dreamed about that night, especially when you didn't remember when you woke up. In fact, you don't even remember waking up. It was like all of a sudden your eyes just shot open and you couldn't figure out why or how that happened.

But remembering that ONE piece of the dream, remembering how you looked as you said it (an expression of such pain and agony to match how you felt inside), remembering exactly how hurt you felt to say it (as if someone was actually clutching your heart in your chest), remembering how you felt like cowering down in order to protect your heart, remembering how you screamed it (as if your life depended on it), remembering how it felt like your throat was dry and closed off and you couldn't breathe but you said it anyway because you couldn't live with it bottled inside anymore.

Not remembering why you said it, or in what context, or to who, though you could guess, given the scenario that even triggered the memory.

Knowing it couldn't be because of anything you've read lately, because you physically can't read something like that.

Not being able to talk about it because, why would you? Why should you?

Wondering if the dry closed feeling you had in that moment is some sort of symbolism for the fact you can't talk about it in real life. Wondering if maybe, just maybe, there's some merit to what you said. Wondering what that means for the future. Wondering if it means anything. Wondering if it will always mean something.

-----

I'm trying really hard not to remember it, so hopefully this helps.

Even though I'm not really in the mood that I was in, I figure it doesn't hurt to write about it, since I clearly thought about it enough to get in a mood in the first place.

So, I went and saw About Last Night today (the 16th) & it was funny and cute and sad, as every romcom is and will ever be so long as romcoms exist.

And it made me think of what it means to know when you have the right person or not.

Like, you could have something incredibly amazing with someone, but your interests fizzle out and you just become a boring person, and it's like you lose yourself in the relationship.

You could have something horribly unhealthy with someone, but it works for you and both of you legitimately enjoy yourselves with the situation you have.

You could have something and see what someone else has and be like, "well, why don't I have that?" and when you actually get what that someone else had, it's not nearly as great as you thought it would be and you realize how great you had it before.

It's like being afraid to try something new because what you had might have been the best thing you'll get.

And there's the uncertainty that comes with making decisions like that.

Like, did I really make the right decision? Is this really what I wanted? Really and truly?

And then in a split second, you get your answer.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's simple. You KNOW the answer is always yes.

But somewhere the little no exists.

The little no that ruins things and makes you wonder if it was all just a horrible case of "right person, wrong time," as if things could have been possibly different in another universe.

And maybe things are and maybe things didn't happen the way they did here, but that's there and this is here and this is the reality you have.

And I got to thinking (a dangerous pasttime, I know~)

I've been that person who calls their ex, because of whatever - be it loneliness or some other excuse, but mostly loneliness and feeling like I needed validation for my decision.

Not a day goes by where I'm not disgusted by that - where I wish I hadn't, because I only ever left feeling either worse or angry or both. I never knew what it was I actually wanted or expected and why should I have ever wanted or expected anything from someone who would do the things he did. I'm not really sure, to be honest.

And then I wondered if he got some sick enjoyment from seeing me fall the way I would when I'd reach out to him, the one I left.

How even after the relationship had long been over, he was still the one who had the power/control - how even still that's the case and it's been years and I can pretend that's not the case, but look where I am and look where he is - in a relationship (whether it's a happy one or not, I'm not sure, but still), one that's lasted for at least a year, and I can't even find someone I'm willing to take a leap of faith with and I still hold my breath whenever I see someone driving his car and I still look to see if it's him or not.

Still.

And even though seeing him is the LAST thing I want to do, I still look for him.

Like how absolutely fucked up is that?

The guy who drove the stake in between me, my friends, and my family. The guy who offered ultimatums, but always said it was my decision, as if to separate himself from the blame. The guy who hurt me in ways he'd never want his sister or his daughter or his mom to be hurt. But it was my fault he felt that way, because I cried and me crying made every situation instantly about me. The guy whose name is less talked about than Voldemort's. The guy who had his own ideas of who I was and judged me forever for it. The guy who made me lie, just so he wouldn't get in trouble/found out that he wasn't a great guy. The guy who I don't even feel 100% comfortable bashing, because I can't help but remember good things with every bad thing.

The guy who walked like 2 miles with me in the pouring rain so I wouldn't get in trouble. The guy who Makoto'd before I even KNEW what that was. The guy who Makoto'd so hard, that when I think of what my favorite picture I've ever taken - it's the one where he's smiling at me like that and the sun is setting behind him and I can recreate the picture so vividly in my head even though I haven't seen it in over 2 years. The guy who enjoyed doing nothing as long as I was there to enjoy the nothing with him. The guy who let me laugh at his expense and had a funny laugh. The guy who I could have sex with and laugh during it and it wasn't the end of the world. The guy who dreamed of a future involving me in it. The guy who kept everything I'd ever given him, because he cherished it.

The negatives hurt so much and seeing him happy is the most conflicting emotion I'll ever have, because I'm so upset he found happiness in the romantic love department and I haven't, but yet I'm kinda happy for him, because he was the one who got left behind and isn't it mature to feel happy when your exes get some semblance of happiness? But who cares about being mature when I'm still here and I never feel as heavy as I do when I try to imagine my future with some guy.

Like will I ever actually find a guy who not only wants to take a chance on me, but will appreciate me in the way I'd want to be appreciated? Can I be happy knowing I may not get romantic love for YEARS if ever?

I just remember ever single promise I ever made to him and I'm so mad that I kept them even after all this time, because I haven't been with anyone else. I can't even let myself be. Every time I just think, 'I need to just do this' as if I need to prove there's no feelings anymore, but how can I when THAT'S even a train of thought to begin with.

It's just horrible and messy and I never talk about it, because what's the point? It changes nothing. I could write about this for the rest of my life, but the feelings never leave. They just air out a bit and then go right back where they were. It's like I'm so bogged down by everything that's been, but everything that is is lifting me up, but I can't fly. I want to, but I can't. And I don't even have the key to change that. I'm just there. I've done what I can - or at least, I feel like I have.

But it's not enough. I hate that everything's a competition for me. Like my life can't possibly be as good as his, because he has someone who loves him (?) and he loves her (?) and there's nothing like being romantically loved by someone. Yes, I have the love and friendship of Ashley, who has been the absolute best friend ANYONE could ever ask for and I'll never know what I did to secure such an amazing friendship, and there are days where I feel like I've won, simply because I know her and she's in my life.

And something happens and I want to text her immediately about it, but I think, 'I should wait. I don't want to bother her,' which is  the SILLIEST  thing, because I don't think I could bother her even if I tried and even if I KNOW that, it's still a thought, because unlike a relationship, she doesn't HAVE to be interested in what I think or like or listen to whatever or respond to whatever. That's just the nature of friendships - there's no expectations, because the investment you give to a friendship isn't some pre-determined thing like romantic love is and there are days where I rejoice when I don't have to go home and feel obligated to deal with a boyfriend when I'm exhausted.

I never have to feel guilty or apologize to a guy when I'm not in the mood to talk to him or see him, which is basically before I go to work, after I get off of work, and during my free time, so basically every minute of the day.

But at the same time, I want the luxury of coming home to a Makoto who thinks only the world of me and who would never hurt me and understands the importance of family and friends.

I just wish things could be different.

The thought that I've ever made him feel like hot shit for breaking down at midnight to text him sickens me to the core. The thought that I've ever asked to see him after getting my stuff back from him. The fact I still use his computer mouse. The fact I can't actually bring myself to throw away STUPID shit that shouldn't mean anything anymore.

I'm just done.

I'm not even in a bad mood anymore, but all this is just festering always.

It just gets pushed to the back of my mind, because other things happen and it's like I need to stay busy to avoid thinking of it and it usually works, except when I'm forced to deal with it and forced to see my family either tiptoe around the topic or completely steamroll through it.

It shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does, and I hate that about myself. I'd turn that part of me off in a heartbeat if I could. I'd sleep with a random guy just to get past this feeling like I can't. There's a lot of things I wish I could do, but I just can't, Nemo.

I think one of my biggest fears is not the fact that I may never find someone who loves me the way I'd want to be loved, but the realization that I might be okay without ever finding that to begin with.

I've seen the Makoto stare before. It's been directed at me quite a few times, but there's always something wrong with the person who's giving the look.

I'm scared that realizing I'm okay on my own may just be me giving up on ever finding it - the feeling of being someone's perfect someone, not because you're perfect, but because you're you. To have someone love all the tiny imperfections, because they create something beautiful. I'd like to think I'm beautifully flawed. I'd like to think everyone is.

I'd like to think that someday there will be someone who understands my need to give, give, give, and my inability to take. To have a guy understand and appreciate my quirks would be great - more than I could ever ask for, honestly.

My inability to be outright mean to anyone, my inability to not help someone who needs help even when I'm in need of help - I practically have a martyr complex. It's not something easily understood or appreciated.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve the kindness that's been given to me, because I've done terrible things I wish I could take back. But at the same time, if I hadn't done those things like turning my back on my friends, I never would have found out who my real friends are.

I'd like to think that someday I could find a guy who would listen to these conflicting feelings I have and acknowledge that I can feel this way and that it doesn't make me a horrible person or someone fishing for compliments/praise/love.

Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed with the love I have in my life just from my family and Ashley and I just want to scream, "I have all this love that I want to share too! I want people to feel this loved and happy! I want to love someone so much that they can't help but love themselves!"

But that's not completely what I want. I won't be satisfied just loving someone to the nth degree. I need him to love me too. I need him to love me more than I love him, which should be impossible, but he'll try. I want a guy who's willing to try - in every aspect, because he's fighting a battle already lost and the odds aren't in his favor.

I'd like to think I'll experience the Makoto look again, but when I think of my options, I realize that it's not really in the cards for me and I'm not sure when it could ever be.

But I need a guy who's willing to try, even when I have this mentality.

And I don't mean a guy who doesn't know me at all who's blindly pursuing me. I mean the guy with the emotional maturity to understand me just by seeing me interact with people. And that's asking for a lot, because it's not realistic and it's contradictory, which totally makes sense. It's contradictory in the fact that I want someone to understand me by seeing me through whatever lens he's seeing me, which may or may not be correct, but I don't want him to pursue me and expect me to fall all over myself because he's interested. It's unrealistic because how can a person know who I am just by seeing me talk to people I care about or even people I don't know.

I just love the idea of a guy enjoying the fact that I nod my head when talking on the phone as if the person I'm talking to could see me, among so many other little things that make me me.

I just have so much love to give!

I'm really afraid I'll become complacent and lose that part of me. I know the fear will make it so I don't lose hope, but I can't help but feel weird as so many people I know are either in relationships or getting married or having babies, while I'm stuck in limbo, reminiscing when the Makoto stare was directed at me and the happy feelings associated with the look that says "you're the most precious/beautiful thing I've ever seen and no words can ever say what you mean to me and I don't want to lose this feeling because it will have meant I lost you".

I'm just such a romantic. I really need to stop and breathe.

My time will come.

It will happen.

Maybe someday.

I hate blogging on here, because it's always like one step forward, one step back, but I don't like having these feelings to myself and typing them out/sending them to the internet makes me feel like I'm getting rid of them.

I thought about my grandma last night. I don't really have a reason other than that I miss her. Thinking about her made me think of Rocko, my beloved stuffed penguin she got me one year for Christmas. Memories of sleeping with him every night, memories of sitting on my bed talking to her as she held him and I told her that I always cuddle him whenever I'm sad or upset and she told him that he better make sure he's always there for me when she can't be, memories of choosing Rocko over Blayn when asked who I'd rather share a bed with, and then thinking back on mom and how I wish he could have been there for me.

Which is so undeniably selfish, considering I had my family there, and Megan stood by me the whole time, but it's like you never really realize how lonely you are until you experience a loss, a loss that eveyone understands, but a loss that can't even be shared with someone who knew just how important she was/is to you, because of reasons.

I remembered crying one day we were together, because I couldn't stand the thought of losing her. I remembered how all she wanted for me was to be happy and how she never shared just how much pain she was in. She never wanted the extent of how serious everything was to be known and I remembered how scared that made me, because I didn't know, but I could see. I could see the difference from when I was a freshman in high school to when I was a freshman in college - I wanted to ignore it, to put on a brave face, to never talk about it, because, of course, everything was fine.

And the only person I felt comfortable enough to show that everything wasn't okay and how absolutely scared I was for something that was inevitable was him. And how when it happened, I didn't know whether to tell him or not and I ultimately decided not to, because why should he deserve to know after everything we've been through. Why should I have to sit through some half-assed, or even worse, a sincere apology from someone who left me so utterly changed and different?

But in that moment of saying goodbye and watching her be put in her eternal resting place, I couldn't help but want him to be there with me, to hold my hand or hug me, but not say anything, because saying something would taint the moment and leave a sour taste in my mouth.

But instead, it was me and my family spread out and separated, some complaining about how hot it was, some being stronger than others, and some yelling about things not even related to the moment.

It was all really surreal, but I know I couldn't stop crying, even when hugging my grandpa before leaving.

And maybe it's because I didn't look at anybody, but I felt like I was the only one visibly crying and that everyone was so much more stronger than I was, holding their tears and sadness inside, rather than letting it bubble out. That's not to say they didn't cry before or after in the privacy of their cars, but it felt horrible to be so sad when my form of loss doesn't even compare to grandpa's or my mom and aunt/uncles.

To me, it was like losing my biggest fan and supporter, my longest and most dearest friend who taught me more about life in the limited amount of time I had with her. Whenever I was sad, I could always e-mail her and she would respond with exactly what I needed to hear and even when I was distancing myself from the family, she never failed to tell me how much she loved me. Whenever I was stressed, she would give me the dose of confidence I needed to get the job done and that she knew I worked hard and that she couldn't wait to be there for my graduation, because she knew I would make it there and that I would succeed in anything I wanted to do.

Losing her felt like losing him all over again even though the two should and couldn't ever be completely comparable. It just felt like saying goodbye to someone so important to you and knowing you had to, but you didn't want to, because you needed them still, but you also had no other choice - there never was another option other than to let them go. You needed the support and the comfort and safety that came with it, but you knew you couldn't hold onto it anymore, because it just doesn't exist like it used to. You can take comfort in the memories and you can cherish the lessons learned, but it's not the same.

This kind of loss has a real sense of permanence. I just wanted him to be there for me to prove that just because you say goodbye, it doesn't mean that it's forever. It would have hurt to have him there and I really wouldn't change how it went, but it's one of those "I wish things could have been different" moments without really wishing that.

I almost wish my heart was really small, because of how tall I am, so I wouldn't be so hurt or sad, especially when I'm hit with waves of emotions all at once. While feeling every spectrum of emotion with my entire being may be one of my positive qualities, it's also my Achilles heel.

Consistently torn between wishing I could go back in time to tell past!me not to be so dependent/be the person I always was and keeping things the same, because I was put into situations which helped to shape who I am, regardless of how much I wish they never happened.

It's just really sad to see notes I wrote during that time period and to see how I answered questions and how I'd answer them. I want to give past!me a hug and a little push towards the people who would make everything tolerable.

To see some of his responses to the questions, I just think it's really sad.

It's sad how close people can be one day and then it's like it never happened; you can't talk about it anymore - all those inside jokes die, all the memories become almost tainted, a sort of experience where you can only smile sadly when thinking about.

It's sad that from that point on, you have to almost erase their existence in order to be okay. In order to move on, it's almost like you have to deny the relationship even happened, but at the same time, you need to acknowledge it, so you won't fall into the same potholes as before.

It's sad to think "right person, wrong time". It's sad to even think about meeting someone who wouldn't know you or want to know you as well as he did.

It's sad to think no matter how much personal closure you get, it will ever make it 100% okay.

It's sad to see a friendship crumble, because the relationship burned too intensely and too long, but neither person would let go, so we just held on til our hands burned and our hearts got scorched.

It's sad to know the innocence you had as far as how guys would treat their girlfriends is nearly gone. It's like to heal, you had to excise what couldn't be saved/healed and then you're left with a heart much smaller than what you had prior to everything.

I don't know - I'm in one of those moods. Facebook allowing easy access to all of these old comments/replies is a reason. Also because, without fail, before exams I usually go through some sort of turmoil like this.

I can't wait to meet the guy who can be the good experience I should have had the first time around. And saying this sort of stuff makes it seem like no good came out of that relationship, but I just want something permanent, tangible, and something I can claim. Just meeting a guy I think it's worthwhile to argue with would be a giant step forward.

Because I find it funny how no matter how much time goes by, I can be hit by a dream involving you.

What's good is the fact it doesn't ruin my day.

That seeing you on campus, while it still makes me get all pumped on adrenaline, it doesn't ruin my day like it would have awhile ago.

I also find solace in the fact that the dream was plausible and realistic for how I remember you and I didn't fall for any of it, nor was I hearing any of it.

I wish I could give dream!me a high-five for saying what she did.

Every day gets a bit better than the last and for that I am forever thankful <3