So it's my birthday...

and I wanted to take this opportunity to just say something without worrying about who's reading it or whether or not I make sense.

Is it expecting a lot to get a simple acknowledgement of my birth? I guess it is.

THIS is why I don't look forward to things & why I HATE getting ideas in my head about how life will pan out. It never goes that way and I get so disappointed. I hate it.

A simple "happy birthday" from you and my birthday would have been officially perfect. Yeah, it's mega selfish to even think I'd get that, but it's not like I'm asking you to have my babies or something. A two word text. I wasn't worth that. How else am I supposed to take that? Yeah, you had a lot of pressure on you, because you had to make that judgement call before your birthday came up, but you know what, I probably would have said it anyway. It doesn't even matter anymore - it's whatever. Dare I say, it's fine.

I have no reason to care, no reason to have expected you to say something, no reason to even remotely think that it would happen. It's my fault. You live and learn.

Right when I think I'm over it, though, I realize I'm not and it's so damn frustrating, because I know I'm in no position to feel like you should say anything and also because this is all my fault to begin with anyway. I'm really conflicted emotionally, because I know this whole thing is for the better, but it still sucks anyway.

Yes, I've gotten much better and I have a whole new support system, but there are still some things I just keep to myself that I used to be able to share. That's hard. I hate that my thoughts today went back to how last year we celebrated my birthday together with my family. I hate how much things have changed and how quickly it seemed to have happened, how I feel like I'm the only one that's hung up on old shit. It's rage-worthy. It's down right depressing how disappointed I am.

It's sad when a measly hope doesn't even come true. What's even more sad is how much that stupid thing meant to you when you realize it's stupid. It makes me feel like an idiot.

I could make all these excuses for you, but I won't. It's a matter of pride or a matter of insecurity that made it so you didn't say jack-shit to me today. You keep that up, because that was totally a winning game plan. I'll lead by example, because I'm tired of being the only one that seems to care or seems to still have old feelings. I'm tired of being the one that buckles under the emotional pressure and the one that ends up looking ridiculously immature.

I'm not doing that anymore. We had something good, yet horribly bad going on and maybe it's for the better that I just ended it before we could have gone furthur down the road and ended up miserably. Maybe we would have ended up happy as fuck. I guess I'll never know. I'm not even going to dwell on the what ifs, because look where that got me: a depressed/sub-par Jessica on her 20th birthday.

I'm not quite sure how you fucking manage to do it, but without even being physically present, you hurt me.

You deserve all the awards, because you're THAT good at what you do so naturally.

I didn't even mean for this to go so off track. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry for speaking my mind. At least, I am managing to tell you how I feel, even if there's zero chance you'll ever read this. That's more than the lukewarm bullshit I feel like you're dishing out. At least each time I saw you after the break up, I've been nothing but attentive to you. I wish I could say that I received the same treatment, but especially that last time I saw you, that time that I swore thereafter I wouldn't ask to see you again, and when I would talk to you, you looked so apathetic and like you couldn't care less.

What a horrible note to end on.

It's just an irritating aspect of life. It's so irritating. It's like someone walking slow in the hallway in front of you and you're running late, but they won't move their body and you can't pass them.

I guess I should give you kudos for moving me even when you're miles away from me.

I wish you knew how upset I get just thinking about this. I bet you just did whatever you did today, knowing in the back of your mind what the day was, and worried about what I would think or didn't wanna seem weak/vulnerable... I think that's what pisses me off and upsets me more than anything else. It's not like I didn't put my pride aside to ask to see you twice since December.

I'm just going to stop while I'm ahead. This is getting me no where & I'm not gaining anything from this, because my thoughts are so discombobulated.